Mixed Pickles
by Enaty
Summary: A collection of short stories centred around our beloved pet shop and its inhabitants… To be updated when I think of something new. Last: Nothing he's ever lived up can compare to the adventure of gathering D's breadcrumbs. Is Hero Leon up to that one?
1. Alternative Present

**Title**: Alternative Present

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: M

**Warnings**: It's rated M. What do you think is gonna happen?

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, much to my displeasure.

**Claimer**: The idea.

**Author's Notes**: at the end.

_Alternative Present_

"You didn't say a word! Really, Detective! How am I supposed to know if you don't tell me?"

"Cut if off already!" Leon snapped, glaring at the flustered Chinese who in turn stared at him accusingly, making him feel like he'd done something wrong again even though he hadn't.

"But – your birthday!" the Count protested vehemently. "Had I known that today is your birthday, I would have prepared a little something, and Chris..."

"I said, cut it out!" The blonde detective glared even more, face red and embarrassed. "I don't need anything, least of all from you!"

The Chinese pouted, his red lips curled into the cutest pout Leon had ever seen, and he quickly took a sip of his tea to distract himself from them. "It's not as if you _had_ to give me something," he muttered under his breath.

"No, you are right, Detective, I do not." D's voice suddenly sounded different. Pout and distress had vanished from it, and Leon looked up in alarm and surprise at the new sound underlying it.

He was just in time to see Count D standing up and gliding over to the sofa. His breath was knocked out of his lungs when the Chinese sat down besides him. D never, ever -

"But I do want to," D continued, ignoring the baffled look on Leon's face. "Believe me, it is my pleasure."

And without any more warning than that, he bent over, pinned the blonde to the sofa and slipped his hands under the blonde's shirt.

Leon had no chance. Even if D's grip hadn't been so strong, even if he hadn't pressed Leon into the corner of the sofa, leaving him no space to evade, just his simple nearness would have rendered the blonde helpless. The touch of those slim, cool fingers and the sharp fingernails made him gasp for air, the action causing him to smell the enticing, slightly flowery scent that he'd noticed at times, recognisable even through the incense, and he felt like he could drown in that scent.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Leon choked, half-heartedly trying to disengage himself, but D was stronger anyway, so he could as well...

No. No! Not fighting was not an option here. He had to fight, had to push D off him and...

"I don't want – AH!"

"Do not even try to lie to me here," D murmured with glittering eyes as he watched his own hand open the four buttons of Leon's jeans. The blonde had frozen in shock, staring at him with wide eyes, completely unbelieving. D traced his bottom lip with his tongue, admitting to himself that this was exciting – much more than the last time he had done that with, or better, to a human. Leon was so much more exciting than most of his species were, especially now, when he was writhing on the sofa, trying to suppress the little sounds of pleasure at D's touches, to fight that which was happening and pretend he didn't like it at all even though they both knew he did...

"I think I just found an adequate alternative birthday present for you, my dear Detective," D whispered and bent forward to taste -

Such luck that young human males like Leon never required much stimulation.

The blonde's cry of both protest and pleasure echoed in D's ears, delighting the kami to no end. He let go of the human for a second, lips brushing over tender skin as he murmured, "I never thought you'd be averse to be pleasured like this."

"No!" Leon gasped, and immediately continued, apparently scrabbling for his wits, "I mean, yes, I – I am, but not from you, not like -"

His protest was cut off by a long moan. "D, no – no -"

He knew very well that D wasn't taking no for an answer, he'd made that much pretty clear from the beginning, what with the way he was trapped on this sofa, and he didn't want the Chinese to stop, if he was honest, but – but this was D, and Leon would never be able to give this back, do something half as good as this...

He really would have liked to do something more than just melt back into the sofa, not fighting D anymore, but just letting him do whatever he wanted until he felt it coming, and then he wanted to warn him, but D seemed to know and didn't seem very inclined to let go. So Leon just came and fell back, completely exhausted, and lay there, trying to catch his breath again. "D!" he moaned.

The Chinese buttoned up his jeans again, smiled at him, and now that Leon knew what those lips could do, he was even more mesmerised by them.

D got up, returned to his chair and sat down in it delicately. "Yes, Detective?" he purred. Leon picked himself up enough to ask a question.

"What on earth was that?!"

There was a definite sparkle in those mismatched golden and violet eyes. "That, my dear Detective, was my birthday present for you. I do hope you appreciate it."

Leon gaped for several minutes while D calmly returned the look. Then he blushed, shook his head and returned to his teacup, all the while avoiding D's glittering eyes. "Whatever, D," he muttered.

* * *

Leon's aunt and uncle had left again. The boy was in bed, happily cradling his new rollerblades to his chest even in his sleep. D closed the door behind himself and sighed softly. After all the uproar today, he felt a strange reluctance to go back to the front room, to pour a cup of tea and eat a slice of cake and look at Leon doing the exact same opposite to him...

He sighed again, halted and steadied himself with one hand at the wall for a moment. Leon. His birthday had been three months ago, three months he'd spent ruing and delighting in the mistake he'd made. Three months in which they both had acted as if nothing had ever happened.

He'd not bought something for Leon for Christmas. He'd thought about it, more than once, while doing the Christmas shopping with the lion's younger brother. He still didn't know what Leon thought about that day. Lately, he'd come to just hope that the blonde wouldn't regard his 28th birthday as the worst day of his life.

Well, no point in prolonging this too much. He should feed Leon a slice of cake and then see him off before...

...well, before he could repeat his mistake.

Leon was contemplating the tea cart when he returned to the parlour. He turned and half smiled at the Chinese. "He's asleep?"

"Quite happily. It was a very good present." D had said the word before he could stop himself, and now bit his lip in anger. "I mean, Chris was very happy about the rollerblades."

"D, you know, I'm a grown man," Leon reminded him softly. "I may need some time, but I can deal with it."

"Oh, can you? Well, you certainly were not too happy back then," D replied, making his voice sound spiteful while his heart clenched in his chest.

To his surprise, Leon only chuckled softly. "Well, what did you expect me to do? It's not as if I ever got any kind of sex as a birthday present. And then from you of all people... Not like anyone can foresee something like that, now, can he?"

He scrutinised the Chinese who was not looking at him while he poured two cups of tea. "I liked your present. Very much," he said simply. D pressed his lips together in dismay. "What a pity for you that I took it otherwise, then. I rather thought you'd not want a Christmas present."

Leon leaned back into the sofa comfortably, his blue eyes tender and warm. "Figured as much. Didn't expect one, either."

D stood; he saw no reason to continue this conversation. "Well, if you don't mind, I would like to close the shop now..."

"Hey, don't I get to give you my present?" Leon rose, too, stretching nonchalantly and yawning. D turned to him, surprised.

"You have got a present for me?" he echoed, strangely pleased and curious in spite of himself. Had Leon really gotten him some special treat, like that wonderful cake from the hotel...?

He cursed his own naivety a moment later when Leon had bent down and pressed his lips to his, only touching them, keeping his hands firmly locked behind his back. He wanted to break away, jump back and push Leon away, but the touch was so gentle, so hesitant, that he couldn't do anything but take it. He wished that Leon would unlock his arms and embrace him, or at least come closer.

Then he understood that the choice was his and that Leon had very well understood why such an assault and not something else...

It was silly, the importance humans contributed to a kiss, but D knew why, and he supposed he'd never understood better than right now.

Leon drew back and for a second D followed his mouth before he caught himself. He touched his own lips with hesitant fingers, felt them prickle. Leon was still standing right in front of him, waiting patiently. D's fingers wandered to his mouth, traced the outline while the blonde smiled.

"I – I think we should stick to alternative presents," the young Chinese managed. The blue eyes laughed and teased, invited him to venture further.

"You need not spend any more money on cakes and pastries. They're far too expensive for you anyway," D finished, more firmly now that he'd made up his mind, and drew back his fingers. Leon smiled still. "Okay," he said, turned and strode out the door. D called after him.

"Oh, and by the way: my birthday in on January 3rd!"

-End-

**

* * *

Author's Notes:** Uh... I need a good explanation for this one, don't I? xD Well, I actually have one. I was sitting in the caf with one of my friends last week, and she told me a story about a fellow student of ours who went to the birthday party of a friend without having a present for him. You probably can guess what happened – as an excuse that she didn't have a present and kind of an "alternative present", she offered to blow him...

The story still has me laughing every time I think of it xD Why and where PsoH came into this, I'd rather not know, but well, it did – here's the result. Hope you liked it ^^ And I'd really like to read other interpretations of this little incident... (I mean the original story – not mine. That's already an interpretation.) Come on, this is the season of presents! Surely you can make something up, can't you? ^^

So long, Enaty


	2. Things never happen as you plan

**Title**: Things never happen exactly as you plan

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K+

**Warning**: Definitely depressing, although I hate that kind of thing and don't want to write it either.

**Disclaimer**: D and Leon don't belong to me, just to Matsuri Akino and themselves.

**Author's Notes**: At the end as usual.

_Things never happen exactly as you plan_

Getting married.

The teapot smashed on the wall.

Getting married!

Two of the cups followed suit, then the tray hit the wall, too.

Getting married! What an absurd idea! It couldn't be his wish to get married. He just wasn't – he'd never been one intent on keeping traditions – he'd never been one to –

D sank to the floor and hid his face in his hands. Who was he kidding here? Who was he trying to fool into believing he was only concerned for the Detective? It was a lie, and a damn lie, too, because it was a selfish lie, a lie he told himself to justify that he'd almost beaten the poor young woman out of the shop when Leon brought her in. The poor girl, it really hadn't been her fault – but he hadn't been able to hold himself back when he saw how Leon looked at her, how concerned he was about her…

Oh, the jealousy that had flared through his chest! D had never known he could be so jealous – had never even known he _could_ feel jealousy at all. He'd been surprised and confused, and instead of making Leon responsible, he'd of course taken the young woman as his target. He'd been so polite to her, so courteous, so – cold. God, until the moment they left again, Leon with confusion and anger written all over his face and the young woman close to tears, he had been the example of cold, distant courtesy. And then…

D stared at the remains of his tea-set. He took the last cup, his own, and threw it against the wall, too. Just to make it complete. If he'd destroyed the pot, he could destroy all cups as well.

He choked and tried to suppress it. Why had he not seen it coming? Why had he waited until it was too late? He'd noticed that Leon hadn't been spending as much time in the pet shop lately, but he'd refused to draw the logical conclusion. After all, there was no case at hands at the moment that would spark Leon's curiosity and bind him to the pet shop in order to get behind the mystery.

For a short moment D considered sending Tetsu out and creating a mystery, but he discarded the idea a second later. That might have been the right way had it not already been too late.

And they had asked him to attend their marriage. To come and celebrate with them. He could not go, could not witness Leon getting married to someone else, someone who was not him. But he had to. Leon would be unspeakably disappointed if he wouldn't show up, he'd be depressed and wondering why, wondering if he perhaps wasn't as important to D as he'd thought and…

A frustrated scream came from his throat. Leon wasn't even standing in front of the altar now and he was already going completely crazy! How did he expect to make it through the ceremony if he kept hoping that Leon was going to realise his true feelings in the last minute?! Because he would not. He just _would not_.

The door was opened and a blonde head stretched in. "D? You're here?" Leon called and the kami jerked up, almost ripping the curtain in his haste to cover the mess he'd made. The young human stopped, confused, and wrinkled his brow. "What's the matter with you today? You nearly made Elisa cry!" he accused the kami and crossed his arms. "I'll have you know that whatever you may be, you've got no right to insult my fiancée, and if it happens again, that'll be the last time you've seen me!"

"Oh, what an unexpected blessing!" D teased. "Then I would perhaps finally be able to pursue my slave-trading and drug-dealing in peace! Oh please, Detective, tell me, which insult do you want to hear? I've heard plenty from you, but I am unsure which one you would like best."

The brow wrinkled even more. Leon uncrossed his arms. "D, what's wrong with you?" he silently asked. "You're not yourself today. Is it because I didn't tell you earlier? Look, I'm sorry, okay? I should've told you earlier, but she – I didn't know if she'd say yes, and I just didn't want your usual comments. This is important for me, you know. I really want that."

"I know." D averted his eyes and glided over to take a new teapot from the cupboard, along with two matching cups.

"Then why did you act like a complete asshole?" the blonde demanded to know. "Surprise or not, you were just mean, and Elisa hasn't done you any harm!"

"Would you like chamomile?" D busied himself with the tea, trying not to show Leon his face. He was sure the traces of his tears were still visible. All his great plans had gone wrong. He should have known from the beginning. His first plan to amuse himself with the ever-suspicious detective had gone wrong, because he suddenly had found out that while teasing him, he'd fallen in love with him. His second plan, hastily made up in desperation and fear, to drive the man out of the shop had gone wrong when Leon just wouldn't let himself be driven away and came back, no matter what D did.

And now the last plan, the plan to lure him into D's bed and the pet shop, had also gone wrong. And worst thing was, D had known it would go wrong. Leon wasn't gay, so no matter how attracted he might be to D's mystery and mind, he'd never seen the kami as a potential lover.

It never was funny, to see a plan go wrong. But in this case, only in this case, it also broke D's heart.

"If you don't want to come to the wedding, it's okay. I mean, I don't want to –" Leon stopped, unsure of what to say. It had never gone up for him that actually there might be more to D's flirtations than just the wish to tease him. But now, suddenly, he realised that D's reaction wasn't that of a disappointed friend, but of a disappointed lover. The cold treatment of the one who was going to fill the place where he'd wanted to be, the jealousy, the – the…

"I'm sorry," he whispered and saw D's shoulders hunch, heard the suppressed sob. "I – listen, I'll just go, okay?"

"No!"

D spun round and wrapped strong fingers around his wrist, holding the human back. "No, don't go, please. Not before – I am sorry to have been so impolite to your fiancée. Please tell her it's not her fault. She's a wonderful young woman, and I'm sure she'll do her best to make you happy. I – would have been more polite had I been forewarned, but so…"

"Oh D."

On a sudden whim, Leon wrapped his arms around the slim body and held the kami close. "If you were just not what you are…" he whispered into the dark hair and felt D's tears soak into his t-shirt. "If you were just someone else…"

"Would you like me as you do if I were someone else?" D asked, his voice bitter and provoking at the same time.

Leon sighed and shook his head. "No, of course not. But – still…"

"We cannot change that which is, Detective. Not you and not I, no matter how much we might wish to do so."

D gently disengaged himself from Leon's grip and smiled up at him, not even bothering anymore to hide the sadness in his eyes. "I wish you much luck, Detective, with Miss Elisa. Pray excuse that I won't come to the wedding."

Leon swallowed. "Like I said, it's okay," he got out and turned to leave the shop.

He knew that his plan to forget D with Elisa's help also wasn't going to work.

Things just never happened exactly as you planned them. Problem was, sometimes you couldn't change them either.

-End-

**Author's Notes**: Originally I wanted to write this in another fandom, in another language, and not like this. Things never happen exactly as you plan. Instead I wound up writing this piece for PSoH, and the one to be made responsible is Telanu and "Sadie, Sadie", along with "Elisabeth – the musical". There's a song in there with this title, revolving around the fact that Franz Josef was supposed to marry Elisabeth's elder sister Helene, but married Sisi instead. Those who've heard about her probably know the marriage didn't work out like they imagined it would.  
"Sadie, Sadie" is responsible because I never can help but think: What if Leon was in love with D, but knew it could never be good because he's just not gay and thus nothing is going to work like it should? Because, you see, he usually drops his "I'm not gay"-behaviour the moment he realises he's in love with D…


	3. This time

**Title**: This time…

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K

**Warnings**: None

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, except the idea for this one-shot.

**Author's Note**: Was just wondering if Leon ever returned to the old rooms of the pet shop after he'd gone off to search D…

_This time…_

It's every time the same, Leon thinks while he looks around in the dark, dusty cellar that once housed Count D's pet shop. Every time the same…

He sighs and sits on the floor, in the same place he's sat the year before. And the year before that, too, and that before. Every friggin' time the same.

He doesn't know why he's doing that. Why he comes back every year on the same day and stays in this tiny room the whole night. As if D would suddenly appear again, to top it all, on the exact same day he disappeared… as if the door behind him would suddenly creak and open to again show the dark corridors of the shop instead of another, even tinier dusty room…

He's tried that many times. Closed that door, closed his eyes and wished with all his heart that it would again show the pet shop. Then, when he finally was convinced that this time, it _would_ work, he'd ripped the door open – to reveal the same old dusty room. Always the same. Always.

So Leon's stopped doing that. But he still comes and sits, waiting for something he doesn't believe in anymore to happen. Since five years. Every time it's the same. Every time he's here, and D's not.

He's so lost in his thoughts he at first doesn't notice the slight creak behind him. But then he does, and he spins around so quickly he stumbles while getting up. D gasps, hurries forward and grabs his arm to steady him. "I am so sorry, I didn't want to startle you!" he apologizes, but in spite of his words it's not for startling Leon and they both know it.

Leon stares, and stares, until D lowers his mismatched eyes and averts his gaze. "Where the fuck have you been?" he whispers, and D sighs, softly, sadly.

"Nowhere worth of mentioning it," he replies just as silently as Leon, who grabs his shoulders at hearing his voice, hard so that D won't escape again.

"I've been looking for you for five damn years!" he growls. D smiles shakily.

"I know," he answers. "I have been – keeping an eye on you."

"You did, huh?" Leon wants it to sound angry, furious, but it comes out more relieved. D's been keeping an eye on him… D's not forgotten him… he _remembers_ Leon…

"And why the fuck didn't you turn up then?" he blurts out and those eyes flicker.

"I did, Detective," D says softly, not looking at him. "I have been here every year, waiting for you to come down the stairs, setting up watch here, waiting for me…"

"Well – why did you never come, then?" Leon asks, nonplussed, not thinking about just where D has hidden himself. He's searched both rooms several times, every year…

But D keeps on talking and Leon again turns his attention to him. "It was not intentionally… I just happened to be here in the first year to pick something up, and you surprised me when you came inside… and then, the second year, I was curious if you would come again… the third year I feared that you would come… the fourth I was afraid that you would not… and now…"

He trails off, looking up at Leon who swallows hard at the sight of those bright, mismatched eyes. "Please stay here," D whispers. "Please, do not leave me again…"

Leon wants to argue that it's D, after all, who took off in his damn boat to god-knows-where, but he senses that whoever and whatever D is, he's not used to this kind of situation. He needs Leon's reassurance, and the blonde gladly gives it.

"Sure," he says roughly and wraps his arms around D's waist, pulling him as close as possible. "Sure, I'll stay."

D smiles, and twines his arms around Leon's neck, buries his head in his shoulder, and they stay like that, the whole night, until dawn creeps through the crack in the front door. But when the sun finally rises in the sky, the former parlour of the pet shop is empty again. Only two trails of feet in the dust leading to the back door show that anyone has been here at all, and the sun quickly covers them with dust, too.

-End-

**Author's Note 2**: My best friend commented that I seem to like D sinking into Leon's arms and crying. I must protest against this insinuation. I do most certainly not like that cliché! It's the Count's own wish to do so if things get dramatic. He says I would give away dramatic potential if I would write it otherwise. ;-)


	4. Technical Incompatibility

**Title: **Technical incompatibility

**Author: **Enaty

**Rating: **K

**Warnings: **None, but you might want to nod very hard if you happen to know the situation. Be aware of resulting trauma.

**Disclaimer: **PsoH's not mine.

**Claimer: **The shattered nerves, almost-breakdowns and also the desperate tears in the middle of the night when the first one broke. Not to mention the subsequent dropout when the second one bid me farewell seven hours later.

**Author's Notes**: see below story.

_Technical Incompatibility_

Leon was finished.

Well, almost. And not even mentally, he noted with some kind of triumph. Two or three sentences and then he would finally be finished with this damned report.

Happily he pressed 'Enter' and– the screen went black.

At first he just goggled at it, not wanting to believe what he was seeing, convinced it had to be an illusion. When after more than a minute nothing had changed and the screen remained as dark as it could be (plus the computer started to make a strange clattering sound) he jumped up, kicked the thing and pulled the plug. Just in case it wanted to set itself on fire. Wouldn't be the first time for something like that to happen to him.

Then he went, cursing colourfully, and fetched his laptop. Fuming with rage, he started to type the whole report from the start. At least he had it practically memorized, and since it was another report about Count D – quelle surprise! – he knew everything he wanted to tell the chief about this Chinese bastard anyway.

And he had actually learned from his former mistake: this time he saved everything on his USB stick.

The report got longer and longer. Leon forgot the time and the page numbers, typing with an enthusiasm he usually only showed when he was fighting with the Count in person. The laptop's fan started, buzzing busily, but the blonde detective was oblivious to it. His concentration was fixed on the report.

And thus he didn't notice, too, that the LED of his USB stick started flickering. It got ever more hectic, more urgent and then... it simply died.

His hard drive decided at the same time that now it was hot enough and bid him farewell with a last stertorous sound from the fan. For the second time today, a screen went black in front of Leon's eyes. His hands froze above the keyboard. One eyelid twitched.

The stream of curses that followed close would have resulted in Count D beating him not only out of the shop, but also out of the city had he been there to hear it. Bitching like a fishwife, Leon plucked the stick out of the laptop and stomped to the precinct to continue his report there.

Jill was seriously considering applying for a bunker at the chief's when he realised that a fried USB stick was approximately as useful as Count D's criminal records – not at all.

Enough was enough.

Angrily Leon stormed to the pet shop and broke through the door without any thought to potentially present customers. "You dirty little bastard!" he screamed furiously.

D turned to him with all signs of surprise. "And may I know what I am supposed to have done now?" he inquired coolly.

A USB stick landed in his still half-full cup. A few bubbles accompanied its sinking.

The Chinese followed this process with scientific interest. "I presume your highly praised technique has failed again, or was it more due to the one working with it?" he stated with a malicious smile. Leon pointed at him with a trembling finger.

"You! You aren't only the worst technological slouch ever, you're completely incompatible with any kind of machine!"

And having said that, he turned on his heel and stormed out again.

D's smile grew. He fished the stick out of his tea and carefully dried it before he went to a bureau and opened a drawer. The little object was placed in the line already in there. D's eyes sparkled with amusement as he closed the drawer again and reached up to pet Q-chan's head.

"Only a few, Q-chan, only a few more, then my collection will be complete!"

-End-

**

* * *

Author's** **Note: **Anyone who's been reading my profile lately (i.e., during the last two weeks of January and the first weeks of February) will know what triggered this one...

One comment: I love the fact that nowadays computers are available almost everywhere. Elsewise I'd have had real problems during my exams.


	5. Untitled

**Title**: I would be better off if I could think of one…

**Author**: Enaty (seriously, who else?)

**Rating**: K

**Warning**: Bitchy Sofu.

**Disclaimer**: Honestly, we've gone through that about a thousand times by now… not mine.

**Claimer**: The translation and the idea, also as usual.

**Author's** **Notes**: below.

_Nej, hur kan en upplyst Själ,_

_Bliva kär i dumhets svärta,_

_Och hop med ett fjålligt hjärta, _

_Vinna nöjsamhetens väl._

_

* * *

No, how could an enlightened person_

_Fall in love with stupidity's blackness_

_And hope to win the blessing of contentedness_

_With a foolish heart?_

* * *

There could be absolutely no doubt about the fact that Detective Orcot was stupid. Stupid, rude and ignorant in every sense of the word.

And there could also be no doubt that Sofu couldn't understand at all why his grandson still loved the human. He was… he was… well, everything said above and more.

Inconsiderate, for example. He didn't care about the fact that he was now living in Japan, he still refused to speak any other language than his own. Hard-headed, too. He refused to treat the pets like pets, demanding that his grandson keep them from fulfilling their destiny, just because now he saw them as humans.

But the worst was that he was uncaring. Uncaring about what his grandson had sacrificed in order to be with him. Uncaring about said D's feelings for him. Uncaring about his needs, and thoughts, and dreams…

And yet, Sofu couldn't deprive himself of the impression that since the Detective's return to the pet shop, his grandson's manner had changed, too. His laugh sounded lighter, happier, his eyes sparkled more, his voice had lost the cold distant tone, was warm and tender instead…

No, he could not at all understand why his grandson loved this human. But he could, somewhere deep in his heart where he didn't dare venture, relate to the feeling of reckless joy the Detective had brought into the shop again. A feeling he resented from the depth of his heart. The world was such a cruel place, it was not meant to let anyone keep the childish faith and joy.

He'd never understood how any why some humans managed to never grow up. To never loose that which was meant to be lost, in his opinion. But he couldn't help but feel his heavy burden lifting off his shoulders, too, when he heard Orcot laugh and joke with the pets, or tease his grandson with so much affection despite the act.

And he could not help but think that as beautiful as a sharp mind, an enlightened view of the world might be, sometimes it was perhaps better to have a foolish, but loving heart…

-End-

* * *

**Author's Notes**: The text above is taken from a poem by Hedvig Charlotta Nordenflycht, a Swedish writer. I translated it for those of you who can't speak Swedish, but if someone thinks of a better translation, please tell me. Originally, the poem is about something completely different, but I for some reason thought of Sofu D when I read that verse…

You see, I always wondered why exactly D let Leon return to the shop each day (apart from the fact that he serves as a literary foil for the Count).


	6. Teatime Masochism

**Title:** Tea-time Masochism

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K+

**Warnings**: Low-flying teacups and cakes.

**Disclaimer**: Everyone.

**Claimer**: Idea, text, blisters.

**Author's** **Notes:** See below.

_Tea-time Masochism_

D's brow wrinkled when the door was pushed into the wall with some force. Turning, he glared at the entering detective, but Leon seemed completely oblivious to it. He just sat down on his usual place and continued staring at something he was holding in his hands.

"Some people are just plain sick," he announced. D had to sit down.

"What – Officer, are you going to tell me you've adopted my point of view?" he asked incredulously. And that got him a scowl.

"Dammit, D, I'm not talking to you! And even if, I'd be talking _about_ you."

The objects Leon had been holding were pushed under D's nose. The kami blinked at the torn pointe shoes.

"And these would be whose?" he inquired, trying not to be impolite. It was too early to quarrel with Leon, he'd not even poured some tea.

He immediately set out to do just that while Leon continued to gaze at the shoes. They had once been pretty, probably, but someone had cut them several times, sewn rubber bands to the cuts and finally cut out half of the sole. So they weren't that pretty anymore, plus they looked as if they'd been used far too many times.

"It's pretty plain masochism, if you ask me", Leon said and looked at them with something between weird fascination and disgust. "And the worst of it is that it's publicly accepted masochism."

D raised a brow and looked at him. "I fail to see the masochistic part of ballet," he replied and delicately sipped his tea. "Apart from the fact that it's surely unnatural for a human to dance on his toes, it's a perversion of nature he chooses himself. Or rather, herself."

"Why do they do that?" The human scrutinised them and winced when he put one hand into one shoe. "They're hard as steel! That must hurt!"

D's smirk made him shudder. "The power of beauty, Detective. They put up with the pain for the illusion that they look beautiful. Perhaps even for the illusion that they'll become immortal with their dance."

Leon continued staring at the pair of shoes. D wrinkled his nose. "Officer, not that I want to sound impolite, but could you please put them away? They are rather smelly, you know, and I don't appreciate the odour."

"It's still pretty strange that pretty girls would do such a cruel thing to their feet," Leon said, ignoring D's comment on the smell, which indeed wasn't very pleasant. (But, hey, what did he expect from a shoe? And even more, a ballet shoe?) "That Dominique girl gave them to me."

The name seemed to remind him why he'd come to the shop at all, and he turned his scowl onto the kami. "So, what's the deal with that dancer? Jeanne LaCroix? I know you've something to do with it!"

D made a clicking sound with his tongue. "Officer, she's been gone for months. Should I have kidnapped her, you surely would have noticed by now. After all, you're here almost every day." He smirked at the snarling human. "And would you please drink your tea before it gets cold? I do not take all that trouble of preparing it so that you can let it get cold."

Leon's glare would've set someone else on fire. Taking the cup, he gulped the liquid down at once, making D's eyes narrow. "Officer! Mind your manners! That is, mind the last few remains of manners you have!"

Leon slammed the cup down onto it's saucer. "I don't give shit 'bout manners, I care 'bout that dancer! And I know you were up to something when you brought her in here! I wouldn't put it past you to hide her in the back, you smirking bastard!"

Said smirk told him that said bastard was enjoying himself thoroughly. "Well, bring me a warrant and I'll let you have a look in there," he provoked. Leon hit the table with the pointe shoes. "And stop ruining my table!"

"I'm gonna ruin anything in here I want!" the blond replied hotly. "Just so you know, I'm gonna turn over every damn cushion in here until I find Jeanne LaCroix!"

"Oh, and how will you know that it's really her?" D's smirk was both cruel and pleased."Perhaps she doesn't even look like Mademoiselle LaCroix anymore. Perhaps I turned her into one of my pets. Are you going to play Cinderella? Have each and every of my pets try on those shoes to find the right princess?"

Leon's head looked like it'd explode any second. "One day I'm gonna find out what you did to her, you bastard!" he shouted angrily.

D continued to tease him. "Are you, Officer? Well, I wait with bated breath!"

The teacup fell to the floor and made the kami shriek. "You imbecile, do you have any idea what this costs?!" he cried. Leon's nasty grin enraged him even more, and the remains of the teacup took flight. Leon countered with the pointe shoes, but he had to drop them a second later when D proceeded with the cake. After all, he couldn't let evidence get soaked in chocolate cream.

"Hey, are you out of your mind?" he yelled and took cover behind the sofa. "I fucking have to work still!"

"Since your manners are non-existent, you shouldn't care too much about showing up covered in cream! Why am I even using it for your worthless head?"

"Yeah, you tell me. Ouch! Stop hitting me, dammit!"

"Get out of this shop at once before I call Tetsu, you ignoramus!"

"Don't you dare call that beast, I'll shoot him, I'm telling you!"

"OUT!"

The front door was slammed shut behind the officer, accompanied by a yelp from the outside. The young kami stared at the mess the table now presented, hissed a few choice curse words and rushed into the back, muttering "Why do I put up with him at all?! I should kill him! That insufferable human!".

With both opponents gone from the parlour, it immediately grew very quiet and calm. Tetsu dared to stretch his head out of his hiding place and surveyed the damage. Stepping out, he shook his head and picked up the pointe shoes, probing their hardness with his hands.

Then he snorted and threw them onto the sofa, right into some ceramic shards that showed where the second cup had smashed on Leon's head.

"And they call _ballet _masochism!"

-End-

**Author's Note**: Last night's training proved to be very efficient. I am now the proud owner of three new blisters, two normal ones and one beautiful blood blister, one blood-stained pair of tights (and it was brand-new, dammit!) and one ruined Pointe shoe. I HATE those fucking things!

Not.


	7. Prompter

**Title**: Prompter

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K+

**Warning**: None.

**Disclaimer**: …

**Claimer**: The text.

**Author's** **Notes:** Nani wanted this. So I wrote it.

_Prompter_

"Count, will you marry me?"

The young kami had already opened his mouth to reply.

"No."

He closed it. The young man in front of him looked disappointed.

"We wouldn't have to marry right away," he tried. "I'd be content if we could just be engaged..."

"No."

D closed his mouth again and wrinkled his brow. The young man looked heart-broken, but he hastened to assure the Count of his honest intentions.

"If you think this is too hasty, then maybe, maybe we could just agree on going steady?"

The Count's eyes blazed this time when the "No." sounded through the shop. He turned half in his seat to glare at the floor behind his chair in fiendish silence. The poor young man swallowed hard. He dropped his gaze to his knees.

"Well... would you think me impolite if I'd invite you to dinner? Maybe we could do that? Go to the theatre and have dinner afterwards?"

It was amazing that he still didn't give up hope when the Count hissed warningly, still staring at the floor. The answer mixed into his hiss.

"No."

"A cup of tea, then, maybe...?" he dared to suggest. And finally, he had success.

"My dear Wu-san, I would be honoured to have a cup of tea with you sometime," the Count twittered, the sweet voice in complete contrast to his former behaviour. The young man started and looked up in confusion, but Count D had already risen from his chair and gently guided him out of the shop, not without some urgency.

"Please call me to fix a date for our little tea-time, would you be so kind?" he smiled and shut the door after the young man had disappeared, gushing with gratitude.

Then he turned back into the shop. His face lost the smile and he looked downright angry. "Ten-chan!" he yelled angrily at the fox that now appeared behind the chair he'd just sat in. "Whatever you may think, I do not need a prompter to get rid of my suitors!"

-End-


	8. Food Chain

**Title: **Food Chain

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating: **T

**Warning: **Heavy abuse of chocolate and other sweet stuff.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing anyone else has a rightful claim over.

**Claimer**: I'm not the first to toy with food... So all I claim is the text itself.

**Author's** **Notes**: below story.

_Food Chain_

Well, that was it!

Fuming, Tetsu stomped back to his room, cursing worse than Leon while Pon-chan followed him with tears in her big, pleading eyes. "T-chan, please!" she begged, but the door was shut in front of her nose and she had to stay outside.

"Does he think we don't notice that or what?!"

A cup clattered to the floor, closely followed by a bottle that had once contained wine – even though he'd gotten rid of his human disguise, the totetsu still relished in human food and drink. Since the Count let him do pretty much as he liked with the occasional human intruder in the shop, he could enjoy human flesh along with human-made food.

The only one the Count would never let him touch was the stupid detective, the reason for their daily quarrel. It made him even more angry that the Count's favourite boytoy didn't even have to _be_ at the shop to cause those fights! What pleasure he would have taken in eating him! It was so satisfying to be at the top of the food chain...

His hand stopped dead before he could ruin another vase. The golden eyes started gleaming wickedly. "That's it!" he murmured. "That's it!"

A determined grin played on his lips. "We'll see if we can't convince that blockhead that way..."

* * *

D wasn't quite surprised that his totetsu stayed out of his sight for the next day. They'd had so many quarrels lately that Tetsu was risking his status as favourite pet. But the young kami just couldn't help it. Why did he have to remind D of Leon all the time? Almost every teatime ended with him mentioning how much more he would've liked the tea if he'd still had some detective blood in his mouth to go with it. And that constantly made D hit the roof. That he still _dared_ to say that name...!

However, when Tetsu didn't turn up the day after that, he started to worry. And worried even more when he found out that both Tetsu and Ten-chan were gone from the shop.

Usually Pon-chan was the one to ask about his two most precious pets, but for once, the raccoon didn't know either what her friends were up to. And that was really something worth worrying about. Fox and totetsu tended to be up to so much mischief anyway, he dared not imagine what kind of trouble they could cause outside the shop's confines.

The young kami searched the shop thoroughly, but he couldn't find any sign as to their whereabouts. Not that he really had to be afraid they'd be killed or such – both knew how to disguise themselves in the human world. No, what frightened him was that those two were so convinced of a tiny little fact D regarded completely differently...

and he really disliked being proven wrong.

* * *

Three weeks went without notice from either pet, and despite his faith in them, D was more than worried for their well-being. When they returned, they picked a most unfortunate moment since he was just tending to a customer.

"Hi Count, we'll be in the back!" was all he got from Ten-chan when those two slipped past him and the young lady. For a moment D blinked in surprise, then he smiled and excused himself to go after them.

He was held back by Tetsu coming to the front again and giving him a slip of paper. "Here, if someone comes with something, show them this and call us, please," he said and was gone before D could say anything else.

The young woman was starting to get restless, so D just shook his head, decided that now that they were back, it made no difference if he gave them their lecture now or later and turned back to her.

He'd seen her off and was going through the door to the back when a knock called him back to the front door. Sighing, he opened, and was greeted by a big parcel from which an enticing smell rose. The man carrying it regarded him questioningly.

"Have you ordered this chocolate?" he asked. D blinked, remembered T-chan's words and fished the slip of paper from his sleeve. The man put the carton onto the sofa and left, shaking his head. D waited until he was out before he circled the packet greedily. Well, no doubt Ten-chan and T-chan had ordered the chocolate in order to butter him up...

"It's here, Ten-chan!" Tetsu called and darted forward to snatch the carton away from under D's very nose. The kami froze and stared unbelievingly. A call from the back answered and the totetsu was gone again before he had time to react.

Really, everybody seemed to ignore the fact that he was the keeper of this shop today!

D straightened and smoothed his cheongsam. This would not go on longer. No way! He would teach them some manners, oh yes, he would!

* * *

At least if he could find them.

Fuming even more, D pulled the door close behind him and set out to the front room again. They _had_ to be somewhere in here, he could feel their presence! But where were they hiding? And, even more important, what had they done with the chocolate?! If they'd eaten it all alone, D was sure this evening would see him breaking his vow and eating a nice totetsu-and-kitsune-steak.

Pushing past his bedroom, he suddenly heard a strange noise from out there and froze again. It could not be...

Those impertinent, horrible, unbelievably bad-mannered pets!

He pushed the doors open with might, intending to scream at them, but the angry tirade stopped in his throat at the sight on his bed.

There was Detective Leon Orcot, gagged and fastened on it with some ropes, staring at D with wide blue eyes, clearly frightened.

And he couldn't even blame him for being afraid. He would have been frightened, too, if two man-eating supernatural creatures would be decorating him with chocolate syrup and every other sweet stuff that would somehow stay on the human's skin.

D couldn't help it. His jaw fell open as he stared at the picture while a hysterical laugh bubbled up in his throat.

Tetsu, being busy at the human's chest and seemingly unaware of the presence of his master, winked at his accomplice and slipped down from the bed. Sidling up beside the young kami, he crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side.

"You know, our diet needs some change," he declared. "We thought we'd have something tasty for a change, someone with some muscles and much adrenaline... And your bed's the biggest one in this shop. Perfect as a table for our dessert."

D turned the biggest mismatched eyes he'd ever seen at him and Ten-chan started coughing uncontrollably. T-chan could barely keep his face straight.

"Well, surely you don't think we put him in here for _your_ fun, do you?" he said snootily. "You don't even _eat_ meat. If you look at it in the right way, you're far below us in the food chain. No, no, no, Count, he's our dessert. Ten-chan and I had so much trouble to get a hold of him... no way we're sharing him with you. He should taste quite good with all that chocolate, it's even Swiss."

Count D attempted to speak, but couldn't manage a word. He apparently didn't know what to say anymore. Leon, in contrast, started struggling desperately at Tetsu's words, thrashing around on the bed and trying to free himself. Ten-chan held him still. "Hey, you're ruining the glazing!" he protested the movements of his prey.

Tetsu looked between bed and kami and then stopped to pretend. "Well, all things considered, you're probably above him in the food chain still, so perhaps you'd still like to have a bite?" he murmured into D's ear and grinned at the sudden glint in his eyes. "Yeah, I see. Well, Ten-chan and I shall be content with what you leave. Itadakimasu!"

Ten-chan rolled from the bed, still coughing loudly, and they escaped before their master could regain his senses. The door was slammed shut and the sound of a key in the look could be heard. Leon and D were left alone with each other.

The blond calmed visibly at the disappearance of his kidnappers. Now his blue eyes rested on the shell-shocked kami, somewhat amused. At least he wasn't alone in presenting a stupid picture. D open-mouthed and helpless was quite a sight, too.

Although Leon really wished the chocolate syrup wasn't running into his navel. It felt strange.

Mismatched eyes caught the stream of liquid. Red lips closed with an almost audible snap.

Leon got a real bad feeling. He wriggled around again, only to find that the ropes were still as strong as five minutes ago when he'd tried that last. D approached the bed with cat-like movements, a predatory glint in his eyes.

The human closed his eyes and tried not to scream as the supernatural being bent over and... and...

A soft, warm tongue licked some of the syrup from his shoulder, then followed the trail to his chest and belly until it reached the syrup well pooling in his navel. Leon bit his lip, hard, and tried not to think about all the other chocolate syrup patterns the wily fox had painted onto his body.

"Well, well, if Tetsu and Ten-chan took so much care to prepare a perfect dessert, it would be shockingly rude of me to decline, wouldn't it?" D purred and looked into Leon's eyes for a moment before turning his attention on the syrup flower Ten-chan had painted onto a thigh.

Leon knew, in this moment, that he'd been wrong. Chocolate wasn't going to be D's death. It was going to be his.

* * *

"It's still pretty damn silent in there," Tetsu voiced and looked up from the scroll he'd been reading to scrutinize the door to the back. Ten-chan shrugged and continued to cuddle Pon-chan. The raccoon could barely contain her glee at her friends' return and had been inseparable from them since the moment they left Count D's bedroom.

"Give them some time. The chocolate in there should last a few days, at least, even if they both eat until they're sick."

Pon-chan giggled hysterically. "As if the Count would ever tire of eating chocolate!" she pointed out.

"Or Leon." Ten-chan grinned and let his hand wander down her back. Tetsu followed his action with narrowed eyes.

But just as he opened his mouth to say something, they heard a sound from the back. They all startled as D stretched his head in from the back.

"Oh, my dear T-chan!" he twittered. "I trust you still have the recipe for that amazing chocolate cake you made for my last birthday? Would you be so kind to make one – no, better two, for me and deliver them to my bedroom?"

The totetsu managed a nod while he gaped at his master, who turned back and then stopped again. "Oh, and please be so kind as to bring some cream, too!" he called and disappeared.

The three pets regarded the bedroom door in silence. Finally Ten-chan snorted and elbowed his friend.

"You know, I think we've lost our dessert for once and all," he said, sounding not at all unhappy with that. Tetsu grinned.

"Well, like I said. You have to be at the top of the food chain. Gochisoosama."

-End-

**

* * *

Author's Note: **You know that I really hate the fact that there's no good English equivalent for "Bon appétit!"?

Anyway, I think I am actually sad when I think about what they're doing to the good chocolate DX Dammit, people, donate chocolate to those who need it! Like, for example, students busy with their essays... ^^


	9. Take Me Home Tonight

**Title**: Take me home tonight

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K+

**Warnings**: Very, very slight hints at sex.

**Disclaimer**: PSoH has still not been sold to me. And considering what I frequently do to them, Matsuri Akino better keep them to herself, too.

**Claimer**: The text?

**Author's** **Notes**: below.

_Take Me Home T__onight_

He's woken by the early light of dawn and a hand shaking his shoulder. Leon rolls around, yawns and tries to wake up completely. The one who's woken him is in a hurry and so the blond hurries, too, grabbing his clothes and pulls them on as quickly as possible although they are cold and clammy in the morning air.

"Where are we, D?"

Leon gets no answer, but he still follows the kami through the wilderness, gasping with the effort. D doesn't turn back to him, doesn't look at him at all, just moves on, gliding through the bushes like a ghost. The plants part for him, make way so that their master has an easy path. They don't close in front of Leon, however, so he at least is able to keep step even though D is going much faster than Leon can.

He recognises the small clearing where he and D finally met each other last evening, recognises the little stream of water he was drinking from when he heard someone move through the trees and spun around like a deer caught by the predator. Only that it wasn't a predator, but D, looking like a deer in the headlights himself when he caught sight of the human. Here, of all places in the world, in his own shop.

"Here we are," D says, the first words he's spoken in what seem to be years. He makes a great gesture with his arm, appropriately theatrical for him. Leon walks up to him, trying to catch his breath, and looks around. He gasps again when he realises where they are – this is Los Angeles right in front of him, stretching out to the horizon. Los Angeles, the city of the fallen angels he'd left so long ago to follow the only god he's ever believed in…

"Or would you prefer this city?"

D makes the same gesture again, but this time to the left, and when Leon turns, he sees Long Island, the house of his aunt and uncle, the place where Chris still lives. He feels like the breath has been knocked out of his lungs, he's gasping so hard, but it's not because of the sights, more because some fear chokes him.

"What do you want me to say?" he gets out and looks at the untouchable kami right in front of him, who returns the gaze calmly.

"Home, Leon," he replies, his eyes glittering in a way Leon has never before seen. "I want you to tell me which place is your home."

The blonde detective shrugs; he doesn't care about either place. "Hell, why? I'm here, ain't I?"

D slowly shakes his head. "No, you're not," he whispers. "This is your choice, Leon. You have to choose. You found me again, yes, but you know that you cannot stay…"

They are silent for a long moment. Then Leon swallows hard. "Why should I tell you where I feel at home?" he asks. D smiles, a sad smile, and averts his eyes.

"I am asking so I can return you to your rightful home, of course. Like every animal, every human has his or her home, too, and they should not be taken from there."

Leon looks around quietly.

"I've kept you here far too long. You do not belong to the pet shop, you belong to the human world."

Leon looks at D, slowly shakes his head, too. "I don't," he says decidedly. "I've been in this pet shop for years, D. Much longer than you know. I've no idea which year it is, but I slipped inside this shop somewhere in June 2001 and have been here ever since."

D's eyes widen in shock and surprise. "You're lying," he says, but sounds unsure.

Leon denies again. "I'm not. Why would I? I knew you had to be here somewhere. I came inside, but you weren't in the parlour. So I started looking for you in the back. In every room I could reach."

D's eyes widen even farther, and he looks beautiful. Like the god he is.

"You cannot have been here –"

"I'm telling you, I've been here since then," Leon cuts him off and waves around. "Tell me, did you ever see every room in here?"

D shakes his head. "It's impossible," he whispers. "There are far too many of them… But you – how can it be?"

"I don't know." Leon grabs D's wrist so hard even the kami winces. "But I know that you can't take me from here again. You can't make me go. This is home. The pet shop's my home, and I'll stay, no matter what."

It takes a moment for the kami to realise what Leon is telling him. He stares at the human, the one and only ever to enter the pet shop and be accepted by it.

Slowly a smile works its way unto D's red lips. He takes Leon's other hand in his and smiles. "Well, then… welcome home, Leon."

-End-

**

* * *

Author's** **Notes**: Triggered by listening to the song "Take me home tonight" by Paddy goes to Holyhead about one thousand times. Perhaps more. Unfortunately I wasn't able to find the song on youtube, but you can get a glimpse of it at alphamusic. It's not exactly what I would expect of the song belonging to this fic, but, well… Inspiration's a curious thing.

And yes, I know it's sappy -.- Kind of. Although I like it, for some unexplainable reason.


	10. Nightly Visit

**Title**: Nightly Visit

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: M

**Warnings**: M /M -sex

**Disclaimer**: Two of the three persons turning up in the first part.

**Claimer**: The sleeper. The two persons turning up in the second part.

**Author's** **Notes: **You don't want to know what triggered this one. I don't want to know myself -.- But probably it was a phone call from my best friend.

_Nightly Visit_

It was quiet in the little room, perhaps a little bit too quiet. Only faint breaths could be heard from the bed, on which a body lay sprawled in almost every direction, fast asleep.

"So, this is her, right?" a voice suddenly interrupted the silence, rather harshly, and was immediately admonished by a sharp hiss.

"Detective, I do implore you to be quiet! It will not do for her to wake up!"

The other one growled. "Well, if you ask me, let's wake her up alright and tell her. Why else did we come here if not for that?" His accomplice was bending over the sleeper and tugging the bedclothes into some kind of order again. "Hey, D, watcha doing there? You're not her damn mother! And if you were, I'd ask myself why you didn't teach her some of those manners you're so fond of!"

The young kami turned back to face the detective. His cheeks were somewhat flushed as he pointed to the sleeping one. "You may have noticed that she is a rather unruly sleeper, and that her clothes are all disarrayed!" he snapped. Leon stretched his head, interested now.

"Not kidding? What did she do?" he asked curiously, but D blocked his way very effectively with his own body.

"Detective, we aren't here to stare at her, but to make certain facts clear!" he hissed, the colour in his cheeks deepening. Leon blushed, too.

"Oh, yeah. So, who's gonna tell her? Not me."

"Why not you?" D snapped and crossed his arms, glaring at the blonde human. "I won't do it either!"

"Oh, and why not? C'mon, you're the one who pretends to be a smartass!"

D stuck his nose up in the air. "That is far beyond myself!"

"You just don't want to do it because it's embarrassing," Leon teased and nearly got slapped.

"Go and tell her to stop writing that stupid stuff!" The kami's voice was just barely not screaming. The sleeper startled and moved, making the bedclothes rustle. Both visitors froze and almost didn't dare to breathe until she sighed a little and buried her head in the cushion.

Then Leon let go of the air he'd unwillingly held in. "Fuck, D! It's not as if this wasn't about both of us, so what's your problem? It's just damn sex, okay? Nothing abnormal or such!"

The glare very nearly set him on fire. "Perhaps not for you, you ignorant human bastard!" D hissed. "But I happen to have another opinion. And I will not tolerate it any longer!"

Determinedly he made his way to the bed and bent over it again. "You will not write another story in which Count D and Leon are a couple and have sex! Never ever!" he whispered into the sleeper's ear. She stirred, disturbed by the voice, and mumbled something under her breath. Leon watched with crossed arms and a wrinkled brow. It seemed that he wasn't too happy about D's plan.

For a moment he looked around the room, which was, by all means, almost messier than his own apartment, although the mess was of another kind. Mostly books-and-papers mess, not so much dirty-clothes-and-empty-cans mess. The blonde detective snorted. Yeah, it was pretty clear that a student was living here.

He made his way to the bed, too, careful not to trip over one of the stacks of books on the floor, and tipped D's shoulder. The kami startled and turned to him. "What?" he hissed. "I do not have to tell you that just telling her once isn't going to work, do I? Even you should know that much about subliminal manipulation."

"Yeah, I do. I wanna know something else."

D stretched and looked at him curiously. "What, then?" he asked. Leon held his gaze and tried not to blush as he posed his question.

"Was it that bad? The sex, I mean?"

The kami actually gaped. Even if Leon was going to get a black eye for that, he was sure it had been worth the price. "Well, was it?" he pressed. "Because, you know, I rather had the impression that you liked it, too..."

D's cheeks went pink. "Detective! How can you dare to ask such a question?!" he spat. "You are really the most ignorant brute I've ever met! Just to think that someone would entertain illusions about my feelings for you makes me sick!"

Leon barely rolled his eyes, knowing the tirade by heart by now. "Yeah, yeah, alright. Point is, why do people like she entertain illusions about us being a couple, huh? Besides, you should really know me good enough by now to know that those aren't illusions where..."

He didn't get to finish his sentence. "I live in denial!" D cut him off with a sharp voice and wanted to turn back to the bed. But now Leon had had enough. He grabbed the kami rather harshly around his waist and dragged him away.

"So, you live in denial? You know what, that I can believe!" he growled. "But not for much longer, I'm telling you! Now she isn't writing, now you can't blame anything on her. So let's find out if you really hate the sex!"

D made a squealing sound, much like a mouse on whose tail someone had stepped, and tried to fight Leon off, but unfortunately, the human had him in a grip from which he couldn't escape without using much force. Which, of course, was out of the question, since it would wake the sleeper at once. Even tired students were not likely to go on sleeping if someone crashed into their bookshelf.

So he didn't push Leon away when the human pinned him against the wall and started sucking at his neck. He even pulled him closer – only because otherwise he'd cause the stack of books right beside them to fall down, of course.

He hissed when Leon bit down on his neck just hard enough to sting, and replied by dragging his claws all the way down his back. He knew that even through the fabric of Leon's T-shirt the human would have beautiful, long scratches the next morning. And he loved marking him like this, if it was just to show him that he couldn't do everything he wanted to D.

The other effect this had was that Leon usually got turned on by the short, slight pain.

It worked this time as well, and D was pressed against the wall even harder, had to rise onto the tips of his toes in order not be crushed by the human's larger body.

A hand fiddled with the closures of his cheongsam and found its way beneath the silk, right to the skin. Wild defiance burned through D, causing him to slip his own hands into Leon's jeans and grip his ass hard. He had the satisfaction of hearing the human groan silently, trying to be silent. Oh yes, there was someone else in this room.

Well, one more reason to punish the detective for his insolence. He might have teeth, but D had teeth, too, and claws.

The poor T-shirt was rendered to strips of fabric when the nails again scratched over Leon's back, making the human close his eyes in pain and hiss; yet at the same time he grabbed one of D's legs and wrapped it around his waist. "You – little – bastard!" he ground out and lifted D from his feet. The kami was quick enough to wrap his legs around the human before the weight got too much.

"Am I a bastard, Detective?" he responded, his eyes blazing furiously. "Is it not you who insisted on this?"

The hand in his hair forced him to bow his head until his lips met Leon's. The human hesitated not a second to push his tongue into his mouth, and it was good that he did so, because at the same time he took hold of D's pants and just ripped them off. Had the kami been free to do as he used to, he would have cursed him for ruining the silk, but as it was, he was busy trying to get his own tongue inside Leon's mouth.

They would both show a lot of bruises tomorrow. Not that that was something new. It wasn't as if their encounters were as tame as she wrote them. No, it was more like a fight, both against their partner and the things they were forced to do.

At least D had always told himself that, if he ever dared to think about it once it was over. Usually he just started screaming at Leon and cursing the inventor of these actions to hell.

And, as usual, he couldn't give the human the advantage of conquering him on his own, but somehow managed to open Leon's jeans. The human had to let loose a little bit in order to make that work, and took the time to breathe deeply a few times before D's hand at his cock made him groan again.

"Yeah, as if you wouldn't be as crazy for this as I am!" he hissed into D's ear.

"You completely misinterpret everything, as usual!" the kami replied, and made use of the surest way to silence the human.

He had to bite his own lip as Leon slid inside to avoid screaming. Which he usually would have done. But not here, and -

Again Leon captured his mouth and he abandoned the last coherent thought as he kissed back, stopped pretending. His breath got ragged as the human pushed inside, and although he tried, he couldn't contain all of the little noises of pleasure coming from his throat. Neither could Leon. Their laboured pants started to get louder, filled the small room, and, just to keep them low, they started kissing again, almost devouring each other in their need.

The rustle of bedclothes and a tired "Hunh?" made them startle in mid-kiss and turn their heads, very slowly, into the direction of the bed.

The owner of said was sitting up in it, looking at them with a confused expression on her face. She had probably been woken by D's little cry when Leon entered him.

And now she was gazing at them from wide brown eyes.

"I knew you were gay!" she mumbled. The two looked back at her, frozen in complete and utter shock.

Then she just fell back into the cushion, buried her head in it again and continued to sleep.

It took Leon some minutes to calm his hammering heart and ragged breath enough to get something out. "See? I told you people know where they get their ideas from!" he managed.

D, still pinned against the wall, regarded the sleeper with eyes about as wide as hers. "Ah, I... I", he stammered, trying to scrape together his wits. "Perhaps it was just a dream of hers...?"

The look in Leon's eyes was near heart-broken. D cleared his throat and looked down. Which he better shouldn't have done, since it only showed him their present intimacy ever more clearly.

Sighing, he conceded defeat. "Well, perhaps they might have a point," he murmured uncomfortably and instead looked at the wall opposite to them, which was adorned by a big poster with a condom on it. This really had been a most unfortunate idea. He'd meant to solve the Leon problem once and for all with this visit, and what had come out of it? A realisation he didn't yet know if he could deal with.

The slight push made him forget about posters, plans and under-fucked fanfiction writers and gasp with renewed pleasure. "So, if I have a point, do you still plan to make her stop writing that stuff?" Leon murmured into his ear. D suppressed a silent moan by biting down on the human's shoulder.

"I take that as a 'no'", Leon whispered and started sucking at D's throat again. The kami arched up and pushed him away.

"Not – here!" he gasped. "What if she wakes up again?"

Leon regarded the bed for a moment, then he grinned. "Not that I think she'd really mind. But you've got a point. Let's get back to our own bed."

For some reason, the use of the plural made D think that perhaps this nightly visit hadn't been the worst idea after all. Even if things had worked out other than anticipated.

* * *

The shrill ring of the telephone woke the sleeper. She nearly tumbled out of the bed, eyes still half-closed, trying to get to the telephone.

"Whoever you are, I don't like you!" she moaned into it.

A chuckle from the other end answered. "Good morning to you too, sweetie! Or, should I say, good day, since it's already way past morning?"

"It's in the middle of the night, you heartless monster!" came instantly the protest.

"It's half past twelve."

"Yeah, like I said."

The one at the other end sighed deeply. "Someone once told me about students being lazy. They were wrong. They didn't know _you."_

Pouting, the ex-sleeper let herself fall back onto her beloved bed. "I'm not lazy! I was up until four in the morning!"

"You know, half an hour later I was already standing up again. Anyway, what did you _do? _No, don't tell me. There's another chapter I've gotta read, right?"

Now a smile crept onto the tired face. "Two. And it's not my fault that you work in a bakery," she answered with a mixture of helpless chagrin and triumph, then chuckled when she heard the groan.

"And what about that essay of yours, huh? No, don't tell me that either. I prefer to keep some illusions about you."

"You still have any? That's surprising, considering how long you've known me," the one on the bed teased and crossed her legs comfortably, waking up more now.

"I live in denial," came the dry reply. "And I'm calling because I've got a question. You know, you've got the story alright, and everything. But – what are you going to DO about them? Couple or not? You know, you have to decide that sometime soon."

The one on the bed blinked, obviously surprised. She wrinkled her brow, thinking hard. She even ignored the one at the other end listing up the pros and cons for either solution again.

Then she suddenly shook herself.

"You know what?" she cut her friend off. "I can't tell you why – but I think the times of no-couple are over once and for all."

-End-

**

* * *

Author's Note 2**: Mice really make funny sounds if you happen to step onto their tails. Not that I can blame them for that, it must be really hard – I mean, a human, bigger and heavier and stronger than you, stepping onto your tail... ouch.

XD Yeah. I won't even attempt to conceal that I've written myself into this fiction. But, considering all, I didn't do that much. I just slept. ^^ And I think that if I ever caught Leon and D fucking in my apartment, I'd drop dead to the floor. xD

That's not a promise that in future I will only write pairing-fics ;-P


	11. Hansel and Gretel

**Title:** Technical Incompatibility II or Hansel and Gretel

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K

**Warning**: There's none.

**Disclaimer**: PsoH and Shin PsoH.

**Claimer**: The absolutely weird idea.

**Author's** **Notes:** below.

_Technical Incompatibility II or Hansel and Gretel_

Leon supposed he should've gotten the clue already when he got the first one from a shopkeeper who'd been D's neighbour in LA. But back then, he simply threw it away and thought no more of it. Granted, he wondered for a moment why the Count had kept that thing at all, being the technology-hater he was, but hell, it wasn't as if he'd ever been able to understand the man in any way, so why should he understand that?

The second he found in Berlin, right in front of the door of the former pet shop. That made him suspicious, and so he kept that one, although it was, of course, broken. D and technology had never been a good combination. But two coincidences didn't make a case, he knew that much, especially when it came to the Count. It could really have been chance.

When he went on to Venice and found the third, a quite rare specimen, in the place of that lion, Leon knew he was on to something here.

So he went through the world, looking as much for the Count as for those little items. And he started to get really exasperated with the Count's tick of collecting just anything. Really, why in hell had the guy kept those?

He found that out after he'd thrown his rucksack onto his motel bed one evening, fed up with looking for the elusive Chinese. The zipper split open and all those little things, more than fifteen by now, not counting the first one he'd thrown away, spilled onto the linen. That was the first time he really noticed that all those little things had something in common.

Each and every one had been "Made in Japan".

Leon got the first flight to Tokyo available.

He didn't need the guy at the passport control smiling knowingly and slipping him yet another one of those tiny filthy things to know he'd finally tracked the Count down. But before he went to Kabouki-cho to say hello, he still had to get something.

* * *

When the door to the shop was opened, D turned around and pretended to be shocked. "Detective, what are you doing here?" he exclaimed. "How on earth did you find me?"

The blonde human sent a glance round and saw the pets watching him with interest and suspicion. He carefully chose his words. "Well, call it following the trail of breadcrumbs," he uttered mysteriously and sat down while D immediately set out to prepare tea, his shock obviously having worn off again.

As if he'd ever been shocked in the first place. Leon almost snorted at this pretence, but he wouldn't complain either. If D wanted to play a little, he sure wouldn't argue this time.

D sat down opposite to him and smiled at him. "So, Detective, you followed a trail of breadcrumbs? That's interesting. Speaking of food, have you brought me something? I'd hate to break with old habits, you know. And that bakery back in Los Angeles had such delicious little éclairs..."

Leon grinned and shook his head. "Nope, D, no cake today," he said and produced something from his pocket. "I rather thought I'd get you something useful this time."

And with that, he handed D the brand-new USB stick.

-End-

**

* * *

Author's** **Notes:** CFF triggered this one by asking what D was going to do with all those USB sticks he collected in "Technical incompatibility". I thought about that question for some time, and finally I came up with this. Thank you for the idea, CFF, and of course also for beta-ing ;-)


	12. Pet Party

**Title**: Pet Party

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: **M**

**Warning**: I strongly advise everyone who doesn't like too explicit descriptions/talk not to read this. I truly mean this. I don't want to hear complaints afterwards, and honestly, I don't want to offend anyone. Roman Catholics, people who were raised not to talk about sex, and fundamental Christians/Muslims should stay away from this piece and read something else.

**Disclaimer**: The PSoH-characters.

**Claimer**: The whole dialogue is mine. Not that I'm proud of it, mind you. But it's still mine.

**Author's** **Notes:** below story.

_Pet Party_

The monthly party at Ten-chan's room was infamous, both for being an exclusive event and for the conversations rumoured to taking place there. The Count had not visited once, although the fox never forgot to invite him; he probably knew why he always declined politely and even tried not to be in the shop when it took place. However, they knew that he'd be in the shop this evening, since Leon was working and the Count didn't like to spend evenings with other people than the detective anymore.

So of course, after having had some drinks, the conversation turned towards their master and his new boyfriend.

"You think they've already done it?" Tetsu asked the other participants of the party, none of them younger than at least 25 years. (They'd invited some of the younger male pets once, but the Count's fury afterwards had taught them to better leave them alone, despite Ten-chan's protest that they'd find out on their own anyway, and that some warning could never hurt.)

Mamoru-kun yawned and put his glass back on the small table. "Well, the human isn't too patient, so my guess'd be yes," he said.

Ten-chan smiled as he poured him another round. "Yes, but the Count's quite able to defend himself against undue advances," he said and added, grinning broadly, "Question's more, if he's really willing to defend himself against Leon's advances."

Kaino-kun the tiger grinned and waved his hand dismissively. "Willing to defend himself against the stupid's advances? And what else do you dream about? I don't even know why he didn't jump him every time he entered, he was so hot for him an idiot could've noticed."

They all snorted with laughter when they recalled the Count's flirtations and Leon's irritated reaction. Ten-chan poured another round.

"But he could've gotten himself a far worse lover," he said and shuddered for a moment when he took a gulp of his drink. "Dammit, Tetsu, what's in this stuff? It burns like hell!"

"And it's guaranteed to make you very drunk," the totetsu replied and wrinkled his brow. "I still don't think he's all that good-looking. Granted, he could look worse, but just look at the way he dresses... I truly hope the Count's gonna give him some lessons 'bout clothes if he's to stay in the shop."

"You know, I wonder if beneath his clothes he looks better..." Kaino-kun's voice trailed off as he turned the glass in his hands. He stared at the wall with a mean grin. "I'd like to find out. Just have a glimpse. I've never seen a naked human. Clothed humans, yes, lots of them, but never a naked one. And those I've seen naked weren't all that good for anatomical lessons anymore."

"They aren't all that great to look at," Ten-chan replied. "Fat and strange proportions, and everything. Not really amusing. Although Leon should look better than most, granted."

"Hey Ten-chan, you ever seen a human male's cock?" Mamoru-kun spoke up and flicked his tail eagerly.

The fox regarded him with an amused look. "What, Mamoru-kun, you've never seen one? You, a dog? Surely your master showed you his."

The collie snorted and took another sip, shuddering too. "Nope, he was all prude. I'm really glad the Count bought me after he was dead. The shop's much more fun."

"Well..." Ten-chan's ears played with renewed interest. "Human anatomy truly is something we seldom talk about here..."

"Yeah, and it's time we get to know something about it!" Kaino-kun claimed. "After all, now we've one living in here. I've gotta know how to tease him."

"Not that difficult, just make sure you kick between his legs," Tetsu dryly replied. "That usually does the trick. No, really, it's not interesting at all. They're smaller than ours, look strange and don't have half the stamina we have."

"But don't they have something metallic down there?" Mamoru had taken a real interest in the matter. His ears played excitedly, too. "I remember that someone once told my master his son was going to get a genital piercing. And he was all angry 'bout that!"

Tetsu and Ten-chan nearly choked on their drinks as they laughed. The totetsu slapped his thigh. "That I wanna see!" he cried. "That stupid human with a ring through his cock! The Count could put a leash through it and lead him back to the shop whenever he glances at some chick!"

That made everyone in the room gasp for air at the image. Kaino-kun actually threw over his glass and they all calmed a little bit then. While Ten-chan mopped up the mess, Mamoru continued to fantasise. "No, truly, d'you think he's got something like that? Isn't that en vogue with humans, piercing metal through their genitals?"

Tetsu grinned and showed off his teeth. "Yeah, some humans think it's cool. I don't particularly see the point; it's gotta hurt real bad, and it's dangerous. Sometimes they rip it out by chance, and I've even heard that some men lost theirs in the women they were fucking."

That caused another chortle. Ten-chan threw the mop away and laughed heartily. "Can you imagine the Count's face should that happen?" he cried out and slipped to the floor, unable to stand any longer.

"He'd so kill Leon!" Kaino-kun crowed.

It took them all a while until they were able to breathe again. Then Tetsu took a sip and shook his head. "No, guys, honestly, Leon's not the type for something like that. I bet he doesn't even have a tattoo."

"Are you sure?" Ten-chan argued. "I could imagine he's got something like that. Like 'Superman', right above his cock."

Mamoru-kun looked confused while the other three laughed. "And what about the Count?" he said into the silence that followed their laughter.

The pets looked at each other. "Noo..." Tetsu said slowly. "If Leon's not the type, the Count's three times not the type. Let's face it, any tattoo would heal off his skin in a day, so why spend money on it?"

"Yeah, that's true," Kaino-kun agreed and chuckled. "But, theoretically speaking, if he wanted to look better for Leon – what'd he do?"

"Well, usually he uses make-up to look better," Mamoru-kun said and coughed very hard. "Although I don't think that'd be advisable in those specific places..."

"Oh, and why not?" Ten-chan protested, his eyes blazing mischievously. "Some lipstick and powder have done many a man a great service to this day!"

"You want him to tie a ribbon around it, too?" Tetsu asked sarcastically and caused Kaino-kun to choke on his drink. Grinning, he patted his back until the tiger was able to breathe again.

"Well, he could get a tattoo for each evening," he suggested. "Something like 'I love you' if he's feeling romantic, or simply 'Fuck me!' if he's feeling hot."

"Yeah, or something like 'Humanity can suck my dick – you too!'", Ten-chan chimed in and they all went down with laughter, unaware that the door had opened just a crack.

"BE QUIET AT ONCE!" a voice thundered into their merry laughter. They all scrambled to their feet in shock and turned to face a very, very angry Count D, his face beet-red and torn by embarrassment and rage. "You insolent brutes! I forbid you to ever speak about me in this way again, or I swear, I will banish you from the shop!"

He slammed the door hard behind himself again, leaving them stunned and confused. Finally Ten-chan picked himself up enough to say something.

"So now, that proves the point. He wouldn't be that sensitive if Leon had already fucked him," he concluded, grinning again already. The other three looked at him.

Then Tetsu raised his glass. "To Leon! May he succeed soon in his quest so that the Count will be relaxed!" he pronounced and the others chimed in.

* * *

Leon had noticed that D seemed a bit off the moment he stepped inside, and it was truly pissing him off. The kami wouldn't kiss him, wouldn't let himself be embraced, accepted even the sweets only reluctantly. The human started to get desperate. What was the matter with his new boyfriend? Things had been going quite well the last few days, well enough that Leon had dared to hope he'd soon be able to convince D to sleep with him. But now this event seemed even more impossible than when D had still been rejecting him.

"Okay, stop it, D!" he snapped and put his cup down with some force. "You know that I had to work yesterday, and that I wasn't away from the shop because I wanted to be away. And I wasn't going after some woman either, you can ask Jill if you want, I sat at my desk the whole night!"

D looked up, surprise and a blush on his face. "No, that – I would never dream of suspecting that!" he cried out, then quickly dropped his gaze again and blushed even more.

Leon sighed and changed his place to sit beside D on the sofa. Putting an arm around his shoulders, he pulled the young Chinese close to him. "What's it then? Are you afraid? You know I'm not gonna do anything you don't want to do, ever," he said earnestly and felt D relax a fraction. "So just tell me, okay? I can't read minds, and something's wrong with you. Are you afraid of doing something wrong?"

D shook his head. Leon started to pet his hair. "It's okay to be nervous, D. It's your first time, after all. But you don't have to be afraid of telling me anything. I swear I'm not gonna laugh at you."

Now the kami tilted his head up and looked at his face timidly. "Truly?" he asked, with a tiny voice.

Leon smiled. "Truly," he said.

D hesitated, then he brought his lips close to Leon's ear. "Do you – you don't happen to have a – a tattoo or – or anything?" he whispered, sounding really scared now.

The blonde detective had to bite his lip in order to avoid laughing. His mind raced as he thought just how D had gotten that idea. Of course he wasn't talking about a simple tattoo, that much was clear, he was talking about a tattoo in some intimate place.

"No, I don't," he replied and looked to the side, where someone had started coughing. The fox sitting there was now lying on the floor and looking like he was choking on something. Worried, Leon released D and pointed to the animal. "D, I think something's wrong with him," he said.

D sent the animal a glare similar to those Leon regularly received. "Oh, don't care about _him,"_ he said, scorn in his voice. "I was thinking of selling him anyway. His parties have been very _annoying _of late."

-End-

**

* * *

Author's** **Notes:** I spent last night at my friend's, 'cause her boyfriend was out of town. I just want to say that we're completely normal girls, that we didn't drink anything or watch any funny movie. Still, we ended up having exactly this conversation at roughly four in the morning. I'd like to blame it on fatigue, but I'm afraid I was quite awake, although I was indeed laughing very hard... *blushes*


	13. Forgotten

**Title:** Forgotten

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating:** K

**Warning**: Sappy? I guess it is.

**Claimer**: Idea, text and flowers.

**Disclaimer**: Leon, D and the pet shop.

**Author's** **Notes:** below.

_Forgotten_

The first time Leon came inside with a bunch of flowers in his hand, D didn't care. What was it to him if the human had a date later and had decided to bring his lady flowers? Although it was a gesture he'd rather not expected from someone like Leon.

When the flowers still adorned the sofa after their fight, but their owner was gone for good, he found them a vase and put them on the table. They shouldn't have died in vain.

Three days later Leon entered the shop just as he was putting them away. He stared at the withered plants with disgust and growled while slumping down onto the sofa. "I never understood why women like that stuff so much anyway," he said, sounding angry and accusing. D could just guess what had happened because of the forgotten flowers. And in a sudden motion of pity, he gave Leon another flower in exchange.

Which the human promptly killed, although he didn't know that and hadn't intended to either. D took it calmly. Sitting beside Leon in the hospital and feeding him slices of apple, he even rejoiced in the human's worry about the plant he'd given him.

For some reason, on next Valentine's day, when Leon again brought flowers into the shop, he glared at them, but offered sweetly to put them in a vase until Leon could go on his date. Inexplicably, by the time Leon stopped by to pick them up, the vase along with the flowers had vanished in the depths of the shop. Later he found out that Chris had taken them to Pon-chan's room, thinking they had been the flowers the Count meant when he sent him to the front room to fetch them.

Only Leon couldn't remember seeing another bunch of flowers there when he'd stopped by in the morning. And he didn't get an exchange plant this time, either.

Whatever Count D might think about him, Leon wasn't dumb. He talked about a date and brought flowers in again. When he came to fetch them and allegedly go to his date, some naughty pet had torn them to shreds. D excused numerous times and offered to pay the money back. Leon declined. He knew what he'd wanted to know.

D was surprised that the detective still dared to bring flowers to his shop after the unfortunate fate that had befallen the last bouquet. But since this one was for Leon's colleague Jill (to be correct, for her birthday), he conceded to care of them.

Only Leon forgot to pick them up.

The same happened to another poor bouquet, intended for the wife of the chief, which found it's place right beside the last one that had withered considerably in the meantime. D still kept it, to remind Leon of it, but the human barely seemed to notice when he stopped by. When the second one had been in the shop for three days in a row, he threw the first away. There was no use in keeping it any longer. He really wondered how Leon managed not to aggravate his superiors if he was so lousy at thinking of their birthday presents.

When the third found it's way into the shop, carried by Chris and the explanation that Leon had bought it out of a sudden fling, Count D sighed, shook his head and arranged them next to the second one. He was used to humans doing strange things, especially this human.

The fourth again arrived along with Leon, who said he was on the way to a date and just wanted to check in on Chris. D was forced to spare this bouquet, due to the fact that Leon was in the same room the whole time and didn't have to know which pet really had suffered a sudden attack of extreme flower-dislike.

Surprisingly (or perhaps not so surprisingly), the blonde human managed to also forget this one. D was glad that he owned almost as many vases as teacups, since Leon had a tendency to wear both items down.

Soon the space on one cabinet was taken up and D was forced to take the flowers along into his own room, where he arranged them nicely in different corners of the room.

* * *

Much, much later, he wondered why he had never realised that not even Leon would forget so many bouquets, dislike of flowers or not. It hit him when he threw away the last one, years later, with a heavy heart, not daring to look at the withered flowers that had adorned his room for so long now.

It was only then he realised what Leon had understood a long while ago, and it made his heart clench to think that he had been so short-sighted not to see what was in front of his eyes.

Looking at the last flower of the bouquet, a lily, he sighed and crushed the papery petal between his fingers. Flowers that were cut from their root withered, that was the way of the world. They could not procreate; they were just beautiful before they slowly died, and their short life served no other purpose than the joy of the receiver.

* * *

Leon supposed he should have suspected something when he saw the bouquet in his motel room, returning in the evening of a long day. But he just shook his head in surprise, wondering why the Lady who owned this motel would spend so much money on a simple guest like him; he knew this kind of bouquet and how expensive it must have been. He had learned about the prices of chocolate and flowers a long time ago, funnily enough when he started giving them to a man.

Lost in the memories, he smiled and tugged at a lily with white petals. He intended to take it with him until it withered. Which would only be too soon, but still, he could rejoice in it's beauty until then.

The small sound of the bathroom door opening made him spin around and take a defensive stance. For a moment he stared at the person emerging from there enclosed by flowers, vines and other plants.

D cleared his throat delicately and stepped towards Leon to take the flower from his fingers and put it back into the vase.

"They wither pretty soon without water, Detective, please mind that. After all, these flowers have died just to please you for a few days with their beauty."

Leon watched him unmovingly, listened to the words. He couldn't even begin to understand, and so he asked the silliest question that came across his mind.

"What are the flowers for?"

D's eyes flitted up at him. He smiled.

"Well, don't you remember? You forgot them at my shop."

-End-

* * *

Author's Notes: Hooray, sap again -.- Considering the fact that I don't even like that stuff, I'm pretty busy writing it, it seems to me. Does anyone know what I can do about that?


	14. Midsommardröm

**Title**: Midsommardröm

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: T

**Warning**: implied sexual situations

**Disclaimer**: Leon and D; the text of the song isn't mine also, but before someone thinks he's gotta kick this story for being a song-fic, I'd like to say that it's the text of a traditional midsummer song from Sweden and that I'm not infringing any copyright by using it here.

**Claimer**: Was my idea, and I've written the text. I also did the translation of the song, and thus that's mine, too.

**Author's Notes**: extensive notes below; here a thank-you to Anna, who triggered this fic by sharing Shin with me, which resulted in a discussion over the importance and meaning of Midsommar in the European countries ^^ This is by far not a real answer, but I hope it enlightens it nevertheless.

_Midsommardröm_

The air was filled with the scent of flowers, occasional tatters of songs and laughter. It was green and red and yellow and blue and every other colour nature could've thought up to present herself at her best. This was the time of the year where one celebrated, it was the time to be happy, to lose oneself in a rush of summer nights, fleeting love and adventure, of walks under an endless deep blue sky that never really got dark and the time of dreams that lasted as long as the light.

Leon knew that much, and he saw the people in their best clothes, their faces bright and happy; he also saw the flowers in their beauty, trying to add to the common happiness. He snarled at them. "Bloom all you want, I know that you're gonna die soon enough," he hissed, leaning over a bunch of roses. They were unimpressed by his words, but one of the girls who was busy winding a midsummer wreath near him looked up and sent him an irritated glance.

"Can I help you?" she asked, a heavy accent in her voice. Leon quickly shook his head. He knew she couldn't see what he was seeing; D's face, his smile, his eyes. Especially his eyes, and he growled at the violets and turned away. He couldn't take part in the festivities; he wasn't even part of the culture who was celebrating this evening, June 21st, summer solstice, or, as they called it in their language, _Midsommarafton._ He already rued having come here, but for the same reason that made him travel through the world for years, he'd come to this land, now, in time for the feast. He hated it. He didn't know the language, he didn't know why this day should be so very important, and those songs...

They all told about the beauty of summer, the wonderful world that existed as long as the sun continued to be high in the sky day and night alike. Leon didn't like that, too. He was used to the sun going down at the end of the day, not staying up in the sky all night. And he truly couldn't see why there should be such magic in the air during this night. It was just a night like any other damn night of the year.

He snorted as he heard yet another voice starting to sing, quietly. _"Kristallen den fina, som solen m__ånd'skina, som stjärnorna blänka i skyn... Jag känner en flicka i dygden den fina, en flicka i denna här byn... Min vän, min vän och älskogsblomma! Ack, om vi kunde tillsammans komma, och jag vore vännen din, och du allra kärestan min, du ädela ros och forgyllande skrin.__"_

**(A crystal so clearly, by sun lit so gently/It shines like the stars in the sky/I know of a maiden whose grace shines more fairly/A maid in a village nearby/My friend, my friend and heart's sweet flower/If we could finally find to each other/And your dear friend I could be/And you darling dearest to me/You precious rose and golden gem.)**

Leon snorted again, and since he didn't have something better to do, since he had to seek and try, he followed the voice, walking right into the little forest. The sun wasn't able to completely get through the trees, and the light was dim, but the air was soft and warm and heavy with yet more scents of trees and flowers blooming, the slightly wet scent of moss underlying them.

He couldn't understand the words he heard; he'd never learned this language, and he didn't intend to, since this was a land that reminded him of ice and snow and long, dark winters, but the melody of this song was different than those all the girls had been singing; it was mellow, even sad, joining the joy over summer with the knowledge that it would end only too soon, and the voice expressed a longing that made Leon's heart ache with memories.

Finally he reached the little clearing, the small stream that ran through it, the sound of the water mixing into the voice of the singer, accompanying his song.

The voice ceased singing; she only hummed now. Leon wanted to say something, and failed to find words. The moment stretched into eternity, carried by the soft melody.

D stopped humming, sighed softly and turned to him. "Min vän, min vän," he whispered into the half-light, half-darkness, his eyes wide and beautiful.

Leon didn't want to go to him, he didn't; but he still did, and he did kiss D, did undress him, did make love with him, and D let him, surrendered to him without doubt or hesitation, keeping his eyes closed the whole time. Leon knew it was to keep the tears inside.

Only when they lay on the soft moss did D open his eyes again. With soft, careful fingers he traced Leon's face, as if wanting to memorise the features with his touch, the feel of Leon's eyes, nose, lips and ears. He held still, and when D finally bedded his head gently on his chest, he easily rested there, now closing his eyes. D started to sing again, his voice lulling Leon to sleep.

"_Och om jag än fore till världenes ände, så ropar mitt hjärta till dig, och om jag än fore till världenes ände, så ropar mitt hjärta till deg, till dig, min vän, och älskogsblomma, ack, om vi kunde tillsammans komma, och jag vore vännen din, och du allra kärestan min, du ädela ros och forgyllande skrin."_

**(And should I travel to world's end so far away/My heart still cries out for you/And if I travelled to world's end so far away/My heart still cries out to you/To you, my friend and heart's sweet flower/If we could finally find to each other/And your dear friend I could be/And you darling dearest to me/You precious rose and golden gem.)**

Leon awoke from the feeling of soft summer rain falling down on his face. The rest of his body was protected from the wetness by a fine silken garment that faintly smelled of roses and incense.

He slowly dressed himself; carefully stowed the precious silk in his bag and set out yet again, D's voice echoing in his heart.

_"Och om jag än fore till världenes ände, så ropar mitt hjärta till dig..."_

- Ände-

**

* * *

Author's Notes**: If someone has a better translation, please tell me so. I looked around, but none that I found fitted me just right, so I translated it myself in the end. It's not by far a perfect translation, but I am moderately happy with it; still, in some aspects it differs from the Swedish original, due to the fact that I wanted to preserve the lyrical quality of the original (which didn't always work either -.-). If anyone's interested in the changes, just mail me and I'll tell you.

Oh, and there's a good version of the song (Kristallen den fina) by Falconer on youtube, so if anyone's interested in listening to it...


	15. Crybaby

**Title**: Crybaby

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K

**Disclaimer**: PSoH, of course. Hello, this is fanfiction. Nothing's mine.

**Claimer**: The text.

**Author's** **Notes:** Janis Joplin and the need to do something else than listen to my professor.

_Crybaby_

From the beginning of training, Chris Orcot had earned the nickname "crybaby". Not because he actually did cry; he, like the other FBI trainees, was a tough guy and perfectly able to keep his emotions in check, so much so that they often wondered where he had learned to mask them so well.

No, his nickname was due to the fact that he kept receiving strange messages, each and every one starting with the words: Yo, crybaby. They were always short, only saying things like "all fine" or "trouble in paradise" or "old bat bitch", or something like that, but they still knew they were intended for Chris, because they only appeared where he would be sure to see them. At first they suspected a girl, to which Chris just laughed before he replied that an old friend of his was responsible for them. That was all he said about it, but his comrades noticed that the short messages had a considerable effect on his mood. Did they say something positive, was Chris happy and relaxed, joked around; did they say something negative, did he still joke and was amiable, but they could catch him staring at the sky and into the distance with worry in his blue eyes.

Whoever left them and whatever they meant to Chris, they resulted in any case in them calling him crybaby, which he suffered patiently and with half a smile on his face. New guys usually teased him about it, but stopped as soon as Chris' friends made clear that Orcot was a great pal, though he was quiet and reserved about his family and life, and that he was anything but a crybaby.

In fact, they only saw him cry once. It was on a sunny day near the end of their training, when an explosion occurred at a lake near their location. They hurried there, hoping to be in time; but they were too late. Bodies were drifting in the water, strangely enough, mostly bodies of animals, all burnt and marred terribly. There was only one human body amongst them, which they didn't recognise as one right away, because it was so wrapped up in plants they couldn't even completely disentangle the body from the strange-looking vines. However, they had protected the body inside quite well; apart from the fact that it was dead, it was almost unscathed, while the plants showed the same burns as the animal bodies.

They gasped seeing the face of the dead man. It could have been Chris, Chris in a few years, at maybe 35 or 40, with a few silver strands in his blonde hair, crow's feet around his eyes and even in death half a smile on his face. And, strangely enough, it looked happy, as if the dead man hadn't feared death at all.

"Hey, Chris!" someone called over to their friend after the first shock, standing a few feet away. "Come and have a look at this!"

Chris turned from the body of a sheep-like animal, and then they saw that he was crying. The tears left small trails in the dust on his face, but he made no sound at all, not even when he looked at his older mirror, lying there in his bed of vines peacefully.

They stopped calling him crybaby that very day.

-End-


	16. To Sail Away to Undiscovered Places

**Title**: To Sail Away to Undiscovered Places

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K

**Disclaimer**: PSoH

**Claimer**: Idea and text.

**Author's** **Notes:** below.

_To Sail Away to Undiscovered Places..._

Back when he'd been younger, D had liked moving with the shop. He had been excited, eager to see new places, meet new animals, see something of the world. His grandfather had always encouraged him to do so; to travel, to discover, to know about the world. And he had done so happily, had travelled, learned and gotten to know the world. He had enjoyed earth's beauties and secret places, had sometimes taken animals back to the shop with him, and always the memory of what he had seen and in which he rejoiced when he felt the longing for the journey.

Looking down on earth and the great continent that was America, he felt the same: eagerness, excitement, joy. But now those feelings mixed with regret, loss and pain. Somewhere down there on this continent that he wouldn't step onto for the next hundred years or so, somewhere down there was the difference to all of his other travels.

Now he was leaving someone back there, someone he'd taken a liking to, a _friend,_ even. Without knowing if he would ever see that friend again, would ever again enjoy the exhausted, happy feeling after having a thorough fight with Leon...

Now it made a difference. And D hoped like hell that Leon would find his own reasons to discover the world, so that perhaps one day, they would meet again. He knew that he would always keep a familiar place ready for this human, in every undiscovered country he would reach.

-End-

**

* * *

Author's** **Notes:** I just got notice that my scholarship was granted. So I'll be travelling 1,800 kilometres this summer to have an exchange year at another university. I'm awfully happy that I got that scholarship, and I'm awfully scared to be so far away from my family and friends for so long.

Edit: This was written almost three months ago, right after I got the letter. Count on your fingers how long I'll still be here... and why I don't have time at the moment.


	17. Family Feud

**Title**: Family Feud

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K

**Disclaimer**: Pet Shop of Horrors.

**Claimer**: The siblings.

**Author's Notes**: Some little musings on brothers and sisters.

_Family Feud_

It was pretty often that the jingling bells of the pet shop stopped them in the middle of a fight, but this young woman was obviously oblivious to the fact that they'd been fighting – or she just didn't care, which was just as possible, seeing that she herself seemed to be fuming with anger. D had barely spoken his words of greeting when she cut him off impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah. Listen, I don't dream, and I don't want an animal for myself. I need a cat for my brother, that's all I'm here for. You got any of those?"

D and Leon exchanged a surprised look, their fight already forgotten. Then the Chinese smiled. "Yes, of course this shop offers cats, a wide variety of them. Do you have any special breed in mind?"

She waved her hand impatiently. "No, I don't care! I just need a cat he can exchange me for. That's all. If you ask me, he can have the worst, flea-ridden, scratching and biting monster you have in here."

Leon's eyes went wide at those words and he rose half, exclaiming, "Whoa, Miss, you don't know what you're saying there!" But she was oblivious to the smirk on D's lips turning mean. With a great gesture, he turned towards the back of the shop and held open a curtain.

"If you would follow me to the back, then, please..."

Leon was about to grab her by the arm and hold her back when the bells jingled a second time and a young man hastened inside, his eyes taking in the woman at once. He put his hands to his sides.

"Dammit, Liv, do you always have to be such a friggin' drama queen?" he fumed. "You know full well I'm not in my best shape at fucking seven a.m.!"

"You're never in your best shape, except when you want to go out with your friends!" she replied hotly, forgetting the waiting kami at once. "But when it's your turn to clean the bathroom, or wash up, or do the laundry, every time I hear is: Oh, can't you do it? Just _once? _You know what, I've been doing the laundry in your stead for _seven damn weeks_ now!"

"So what? I repaired the broken sink, and I put new tires on the car, and I also took care of that nice letter you sent your ex, for which he could've gotten you at least a charge for blackmailing, if not worse!"

"That's really great, you damn slob, you did three things in the last seven weeks! Wanna know what I did in the meantime? We didn't bet like that, my friend."

D's and Leon's eyes were going back and forth from one opponent to the other. The human sidled up to the kami, murmuring, "So, they're siblings? They could be a couple for all they fight about."

D bit back the comment that they sounded a lot like them fighting, and shook his head. "Look at them," he whispered. "The shape of the eyes, the hair, the way they move their hands, it's all the same."

"And the dimples," Leon added, grinning now again as he took the time to notice the similarities. It was indeed as if they were looking into a mirror. The only real difference was male and female.

"I'm not your girlfriend, damn you, so go and get yourself one who's gonna do all that stuff for you, 'cause I won't do it anymore!"

"Don't be stupid, you can't just move out, we signed the contract both!"

"You're not telling me what I can do and what not! Just go and exchange me for a fucking cat, or a hamster, or whatever, and I can only hope for the poor beast that you're gonna care more for it than for me!"

Silence fell in the parlour. The fighters were glaring at each other, panting hard. D took a step forward. "If I may say something, why don't you take a seat and then we can talk about your pet?" he offered, making Leon tense up in alarm again.

But much to his relief, the young man shook his head. "We don't need a pet, thank you. The princess is just pissed because I didn't listen to her at breakfast."

"Because you never listen to me at all!" she hissed and was ignored.

D smiled. "Ah, I understand. You live together, I take it?"

The young man calmed visibly faster than his still fuming sister. "Yeah, not much choice. Our parents died in a car crash, and we only can afford an apartment together," he explained and sat on the offered chair, shooting his sister a nasty glance. "One should think that'd work, and everybody keeps telling me how lucky I am to have such a responsible sister." He snorted. "Fucking responsible she is! I don't even know why she's older, it's not like she'd act her age."

"Well, I at least don't tell all my buddies that I'd rather exchange my bitchy brother for a cat than put up with her one more day!" his sister hissed.

Both Leon and D recoiled slightly, fearing a new start of the just stopped fight, but to their surprise, it wasn't what happened. What happened was that the young man got up, walked over to his sister and gave her a not-too-gentle noogie. "You idiot," he said, sounding almost warm. "You know damn well I'd never exchange you for anything."

Leon almost laughed at the expression in D's face. Never, at least as far as he knew, had a customer been snatched out of D's claws in such a way, and he thoroughly enjoyed the show.

The siblings left pretty quickly after that, apologising for taking up D's time, and then he and Leon were left alone again, sitting at the table and sipping tea.

"You know," Leon finally mused, "I hope Chris won't grow up to be like this."

"I very much doubt that," D murmured and sent Leon a ready-to-be-offended glance. But the blonde just smiled.

"I wonder why she was so mad at him, anyway. I mean, siblings do love each other. Most of the time," he added then, pensively. "If they don't start a family feud, that is... Hey D, you'd start a feud with Xiaomei?"

D sat down his teacup and refused the temptation to send a glance at the now empty bottle on the drawer. "Detective, do not be absurd. I barely know her enough to start a feud, and besides, there are quite enough feuds going on between earth's children."

Leon rolled his eyes at that. "Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that underneath siblings do like each other. Perhaps that's why they fight. 'Cause they know they like each other and can't stand liking someone so different to them."

He, too, left the shop shortly after that, leaving D to wonder if the detective was right and underneath all that rage and hatred there was still love left for the lost human siblings.

-End-


	18. Laying out the Bait

**Title**: Technical Incompatibility III or Laying out the Bait

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K

**Warning:** Spoiler for the end of PSoH. Actually, I should've warned about that already for the first two parts, please excuse me forgetting about that.

**Disclaimer**: All original characters from PSoH. *sigh* This is so stupid. As if we wouldn't know we've no rights to them.

**Claimer**: This text, the idea and the knowledge that I have to be crazy.

**Author's** **Notes:** Again, this was triggered by my dear beta CFF and the nosy questions about how, when, why and what ;-)

_Technical Incompatibility III or Laying out the Bait_

D sent a last glance around the shop, but he saw nothing in there he wanted to take with him still. He had packed his bags carefully, not even left his precious collection of ruined USB sticks behind. The thought of them now brought a smile onto his face; they would make him laugh at the remembrance of the angry look on Leon's face.

And so he left the former parlour of the pet shop behind, hearing the little items clatter in his suitcase and letting that sound take his sadness away.

However, he took them out again after the encounter with his father and grandfather, fuming with anger. How could he dare to accuse him of betraying his duty! How could he dare tell him that the bond of friendship he had with Leon, according to grandfather, was dangerous! The detective was no more and no less dangerous than Tetsu.

It was a childish reaction, but D was determined to show his grandfather that Leon had more in him than the old traitor thought. The human at least had never deceived D.

Of course, Leon would never succeed on his own, especially if D was to take over the shop in Japan, like Grandfather wanted him to. D would, but not at once. No, no, he fully intended to travel for some time, to see something of the world; and, of course, to infuriate Leon further.

Well, he would nevertheless make sure that the human would find him all the same, on some day in the future, without Grandfather knowing how he had managed to find the other shop.

Smiling to himself, D started arranging his USB collection for a new purpose. It would anyway take Leon some time to figure his breadcrumbs out. But D would find ways of making sure he'd get the clue. In the meantime, he supposed playing hide-and-seek would keep them both busy enough.

-End-

* * *

**Author's** **Notes:** I think that I maybe should start calling this a series o.O Honestly, I never thought there'd be more to this USB disaster xD But, well, at least the breakdowns of my computers served a purpose... ^^

Concerning your review, Moonmixer (and thank you very much for it), the siblings are my original creation since I never do cross-overs. At least, haven't until now. The question of how they came to be in an explosion is one I'd like to leave up to your own imagination, although I do have at least 5 different explanations; however, they are dead dead. Originally I wrote the piece meaning that D also died during the explosion (being the vines wrapped around Leon), but if you like it better otherwise, feel free to think that he is still alive (although I imagine he's not going to have much fun anymore now that both Tetsu and Leon are dead).  
Again, thank you very much for actually taking notice of my author page and even if you don't make it through my other stories (which are admittedly very long already), thank you for this review. Enaty


	19. Bait

**Title**: Bait

**Author:** Enaty

**Rating**: K+

**Warnings**: Sofu thinking. Again. And quite probably it's also a spoiler for the end of the series.

**Disclaimer**: PSoH as well as the quote from the Devil's Dictionary.

**Claimer**: The idea.

**Author's** **Notes:** below.

_Bait, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty._

It's their ethereal beauty that draws others to them, humans and animals alike. Like the moth to the flame, as his grandson once posed it so eloquently, though in another context. The humans are drawn more, of course; they always think that they have to _know,_ to _understand,_ to _hold._ They don't get that there's nothing to understand about their beauty.

Every now and then, someone will come their way who starts to understand, a tiny bit of what they are, and that their beauty is not more and not less than a bait for those who cannot see beyond the mask. Like flowers parade with colours, like a peacock uses his feathers to impress others, so they use their beauty, well aware of it, but no more than means of luring others to them.

Curiously enough, those who realise that there's something behind their pretty mask don't hesitate to follow them still. Sofu has often wondered why; one should think that the moment they realise this, they would refrain from staying where temptation is so near and so deathly. He likes to blame it on human stupidity, blames it on the fact that they've lost their instinct for the right time to withdraw, but he knows that's not all there's to it. It's as if the danger is even more enticing to them, more than their beauty itself, and both combined are an irresistible bait and hook. The fish knows that there's danger behind the worm, too, and he still takes it and gets hooked. Their prey gives up everything, follows them around the world in a stupid chase they know they'll never win. And they still continue.

Sometimes Sofu cannot understand. Sometimes, when he sits in front of his mirror, he looks at his face and silently questions his own beauty. Oh yes, he looks exactly like his son and grandson, with the exception of his eyes; but why do they both have someone chasing them wherever they go, to both their chagrin and delight? They are _alike,_ genetically speaking. They are exactly the same, and although they might not think alike, they are still the same somewhere beneath their beauty. But their prey is hooked forever; his is not and will never be again.

He cannot understand, and he wonders why this is so; why in his case beauty was not enough to hold the one. He looks into the mirror, sees the flawless face in there, the indescribable beauty and he doesn't know if the beauty was too few or the hook not dangerous enough...

-End-

* * *

**Author's** **Notes:** Originally I wanted this to become something funny. *sniff* I spent a few weeks trying to think of a funny storyline, because the quote is funny. And all I could come up with was something like this. *goes and cries*

To those who're interested, the quote can be found in "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce. I highly recommend this little book, especially the section dealing with words starting with "D" ;-)


	20. Clueless Speechless Helpless

**Title**: Clueless – Speechless – Helpless

**Author:** Enaty

**Rating**: T

**Warning**: serious theme called "bulimia". Serious in the sense of "emotionally straining".

**Disclaimer**: Leon and D, PSoH.

**Claimer**: Annie, the story and the idea.

**Author's** **Notes:** To anyone out there suffering of bulimia, please don't take this as a personal affront. I assure you, I do not despise you, hate you or want to kill you. But I am only human, too, and there's just so much I can take in a week.

_Clueless – Speechless – Helpless_

He shaded his eyes against the sun, but no, he'd not been mistaken. The young man coming out of the diner over there was definitely Officer Leon Orcot. Leon Orcot and an unknown young woman at his side, who was looking a little depressed; very depressed, to be true.

The Count melted back into the crowd and kept watching the couple as it walked down the street. Leon's movements suggested that the blonde didn't feel too good either, but something told D that this was not a break-up scene; besides, he knew that Leon had no girlfriend at the moment.

An arm was placed around her shoulders, awkwardly. It seemed wrong, the soothing gesture, because Leon himself didn't seem to really mean it. Or perhaps he felt strange offering it to this woman?

The Count shook his head with a smile as they, too, disappeared into the crowd on the street and walked back to the shop.

* * *

The steps sounded heavier than usual. D turned his welcoming smile on the entering officer. "Good afternoon, Officer Orcot. Would you like some chocolate cake?"

The blue eyes, distant when entering, focused and narrowed in disgust. "No thanks. I don't like that crap anyway."

"As you wish," the Count murmured and sat down after pouring a cup of tea. The officer was quiet. Strangely quiet. "Is something the matter, Officer?"

He caught the look of disgust at his cake and placed it aside, astounded now. Leon did not like sugar too much, sure, but this look...

"Aren't you ever afraid you're gonna end up as a fat old bowling ball?"

"Now what is the matter with you today, Officer? Are you angry that the young lady declined your invitation for dinner?"

The innocent question caused an even stiffer posture. "Fuck you, Count. Annie's not my would-be girlfriend. She's just a friend from college," Leon snarled.

The kami nodded innocently. "Why would I assume otherwise, Officer?"

"Because you – oh, fuck it, you always nose around in other people's business until you've ruined them! That model last week, what about her? Hasn't turned up dead yet, but I'd bet anything she will. In three weeks at the most. Probably because her fucking pet told her to starve to death, just like that damned parrot did."

The Count calmly sipped his tea. "I assume that you are referring to your friend, Mr. Nash. As far as I am aware, he is still alive and quite happily planning to open his own bar, is he not?"

Leon scowled. He hadn't even moved yet to take his cup up. "What's it with people always worrying about their figure? Why can you eat this fucking sweet stuff all the time without even gaining one pound when others..."

He broke off. The look on his face said "I've said too much". Slowly D placed his teacup back on saucer and then table.

"It is a problem the industrialised countries created themselves. Do you not think badly of women who are a little bit overweight? Do women not make fun of men who are not trained? The beauty ideals have changed very much in those countries that have forgotten what the word "hunger" means."

Leon hissed in response to the cold voice that stated those things. "Always the Count, aren't you? You know what, fuck you. I'm not gonna listen to this, and anyway, there's nothing wrong with liking women who have a good figure. There's a big difference between having a good figure and being fat!"

The malicious smile always worked so wonderfully when he wanted a slip of tongue. "Oh, is there? Well, I would like to see you trying to explain that to all those girls, hungering until they die..."

This time the teacup wasn't broken by D. He raised a pointed eyebrow at it. "Officer, I am not to be made responsible for the rules this society made for itself."

Instead of answering, Leon looked at the floor. D took a sip, taking care to place the cup on the saucer perfectly.

"What was your lady friend's name again?" he inquired. Leon's gaze sank into the floor.

"Annie."

"She is an old friend of yours?"

"College friend. We were kind of a gang, she, Andy, Cassie and me. Then we kinda lost track of each other. I only met her again a few weeks ago. We've been having lunch together a few times, she only works two blocks from the PD."

"Do I have to ask you what it is or will you tell me off your own?"

Leon's head shot up so quickly D thought he might have snapped something. "Let go, Count!" he growled. "This is not your fucking affair, so just leave off!"

"My affair, maybe not, but apparently yours."

"It ain't!"

"You come in here, start picking on me for eating cake, start raging about the beauty ideals of society and scream at me for mentioning that your society made those itself." Mismatched eyes scrutinised the human. "Do I have to tell you what it is that you are trying to hide? Your friend Annie is anorexic and you are not able to deal with it."

Silence hovered in the shop.

"Not anorexic. Bulimic." Leon's voice sounded choked. "Fuck, I knew – I knew she always thought she was too fat, but I... I never did anything about it. Never. I just always said it's nonsense and that she looks great, but I never... I never knew she was sick! I never knew those comments weren't fun! I never thought Annie'd... She's been like this since college. Since eight fucking years!"

The Count moved and sat down, placing a soothing hand on the officer's shoulder. "It is not your fault, Officer," he said quietly.

Much to his surprise – or perhaps not so much, because, after all, he knew Leon well enough by now – the human exploded, shaking off his hand. "Fuck you, D, I know! I know it's not my fucking fault if Annie decides to choke up her food. It's not my fucking fault if she thinks she's too fat, 'cos I most certainly never told her that!"

"Then why are you angry at yourself?" D asked calmly. Leon threaded a desperate hand through his hair.

Finally it broke out of him. "Fuck it, I'm fucking angry at _her! _Why the fuck did she have to tell me all that shit? I can't _do _anything 'bout it, I _know _I can't 'cos the only one bein' able to change anything is her! But no, now she had to tell me – had to get me involved in her personal mess, had to make me one of those idle bystanders. As if my fucking life wasn't already fucking complicated enough!" A glare hit D full-on, but the kami was this time not disturbed by it in the least. His full attention was fixed on the human.

"So you are angry at yourself," he stated. Leon visibly sagged down, staring at his hands. His voice was choked. "Well, what _can _I do? Tell me, D! I can't stand by her side the whole time and force her to keep her food down. That's impossible. And even if it was possible, what if I one day wasn't there anymore? What if I just disappeared? She'd be all alone again and just start the whole mess all over."

"You cannot do anything." This time Leon didn't shake D's hand off. "You can only be there when she calls and needs to talk. You can try to help her get therapy. You can be there at certain times to prevent a backslide, and you can support her by helping her to find back to her old self."

Leon's head had dropped so low D could only see the blonde bangs on his forehead. "But – D – I just don't know if I have the strength. You have any idea how straining it is having to take care of such nutcases?"

He lifted his head in time to catch the smile and make a rueful smile appear on his own face, too. "Okay, I got it. You know, that's the other thing I hate about such stuff. It never affects only one alone. It always affects everyone around, closely related or not, 'cos the close ones need to go to someone with it, too, 'cos you just have to share it if you don't wanna break with it, too..."

"But I have the advantage of not knowing Miss Annie personally. I can only feel for you and your troubles, and that is a much easier feat than being the immediate friend," D reminded Leon. "It is alright, Officer; come whenever you want to."

The young man sat there staring into space for a few other moments; then he sighed deeply and got up. "Well, I better get back to the PD if I don't wanna risk trouble with the Chief."

D accompanied him to the door. Leon stopped in it, taking out his sunglasses. "Thanks, Count. You know. For listening. And for not trying to make Annie buy a pet."

The kami chuckled. "You are welcome. Always," he called after him, then closed the door, a sad smile on his face. "Always when you need to talk," he murmured.

-End-

**

* * *

Author's Notes**: For those who didn't understand the first note, I recently again added to my already considerable collection of nutcases. I haven't yet found out why or how I am doing this; the only plausible reason I can think of is that I am just as nuts as they are and dig listening to people with severe trauma.

So to K., A., Nani & Falk, thanks for being there for me then, every time again. I know I shouldn't take it so hard; but I guess the initial shock won't ever become easier to deal with.

Anyway, this is also the explanation why I have been so silent during the last weeks. Hope you missed me at least a little bit :-P


	21. The Zebra Incident

**Title**: Technical Incompatibility IV or The Zebra Incident

**Author**: Enaty

**Series**: Technical Incompatibility

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer**: *sigh* D and Leon.

**Claimer**: The idea and the text.

**Author's Notes**: Again, a beta-triggered piece for the "Technical Incompatibility"-series. This time thanks to a grammar explanation I received. Thank you, CFF ;-) This series absolutely is your tribute for putting up with me and my bad timing.

_Technical Incompatibility IV or The Zebra Incident_

"Say, where are all the others?" D asked suddenly, into the silence that had lasted in the parlour for almost an hour now, closing the drawer at which he'd been gazing intently for a while. Leon stirred sleepily, made a "huh?"-sound and sat up on the sofa, where he'd been dozing with Pon-chan on his lap. The raccoon murmured discontentedly when her cushion suddenly showed life, and rolled onto her back to keep her comfortable position.

"I mean your-" D sent a careful glance around, walked over to the human and bent so he could murmur into his ear. "Breadcrumbs, Leon. Where are the breadcrumbs I left you to follow?"

The blonde human yawned widely and waved in the direction of his backpack, which was somewhere at the entrance as usual. He seldom left it elsewhere when he returned to the pet shop after having done his shift at the disco. "Somewhere in there," he mumbled and leant back into the sofa once more, while D quietly glided over and opened the backpack. He wrinkled his nose at a bottle of beer and a crumbled magazine about cars, then his face lighted up at the sight of a little bag. He fished it out and smiled happily as he went back to the drawer, opening it once again, and began to sort the USB sticks back into his collection.

The expression on his face changed to utterly horrified as he caught sight of one of them. "Leon!" he cried out, scandalised. "What did you _do_ to that poor thing? I didn't – just because I left them didn't mean you were allowed to treat them like this!"

His cry shook Leon and Pon-chan awake, but other animals reacted to it as well. Curious faces poked out behind curtains, and soft murmurs rose along the corridors. The young kami quickly shut up and went over to Leon, holding the USB stick in question out, his posture and expression accusation.

To his surprise, the human blanched at the sight of that particular stick, and even skidded back. "Nothing," he said hastily. "I did nothing to it, D, I swear."

"You cannot tell me that "nothing" happened to this USB stick!" D snapped, angered by his denial. "Every fool can see that something did happen. Just look at it! It looks like someone chewed on it!"

"Well, but it wasn't me!" Leon defended himself, his expression changing to defiant and sullen. "It wasn't my idea either, so it's not my fault if something happened to your precious collection."

"What's he talking about, Count?" Tetsu asked, looking at his master and the human pet in turns, brow wrinkled. He'd known something was up when Leon suddenly turned up in Tokyo; the man was too stupid to find the Count so quickly on his own...

D snatched the USB stick out of Leon's reach and went back to his drawer. "Nothing, Tetsu," he sniffed, obviously pouting now. "It's nothing. The detective just wasn't able to take care of his things again, that's all."

Leon, who'd woken up completely now, saw the look on the face of the sheep-tiger and D's almost guilty glance at the items in the drawer and grinned. Oh yes, someone was keeping secrets here again...

But that wouldn't make him tell D the history of how he'd acquired that particular USB stick and why it was so chewed.

As the parlour grew quiet again, Leon slipped back into the realm of the dreaming, his memory supplying him with the events.

_The sun was burning down on his head, and he was absolutely furious, because D, that little bitch, had managed to escape again. And Leon knew he'd left a clue somewhere around here, another breadcrumb, but he couldn't find it, and he'd been walking around in this city for days now, looking for the item. _

_Now, as a last resort, he'd gone to the zoo, because D had always been nuts for animals, and this zoo was quite big and... who could know what might be hidden here._

_Standing in front of the cage with the bears, Leon growled. How in fucking hell was he supposed to find the ultimate proof that it had indeed been D who'd been seen in this city if the bastard hid them so well?_

_A voice made him startle and turn from the railing. "Be careful, young sir! You shouldn't lean over there so much, you might fall into the cage, and those are bears!"_

"_Yeah, I know," he grunted at the zoo employee who'd called out for him. But the man wasn't impressed by his behaviour. "No, no, young sir, we don't need no other incidents here. That Chinese sir was just enough!"_

_That for sure made Leon hark up. "That Chinese sir? Young, black hair, strange eyes, looking like a girl?" he made sure, and when the man nodded, he triumphed. "What did he do?"_

"_He walked around in the Zebra paddock. They were terribly upset, and when we got him out finally, they ran around for hours afterwards!" The man's face reddened with anger at the remembrance. Leon didn't correct him; it was much likelier that the Zebras had been upset because the humans had handled D a little roughly. But here he finally had his clue!_

_The zoo employee shook his head in wonder when the young American dashed off and continued to brush the floor. These strangers..._

_Leon had never particularly liked horse-like creatures, and although he liked zebras better since their fur was striped funnily, he couldn't really bring himself to like them. Plus, there weren't only zebras in this paddock. No, for some reason the zoo management had seen fit to also put some llamas in here, too. _

"_I'm not going to harm you," he said carefully, trying not to move too hastily, although he really wanted to run, snatch the USB stick and disappear as soon as possible. "I'm just going to pick up what D left here for me, and then I'll be gone..."_

_The zebras – five or six, Leon wasn't sure, and the three llamas watched him unmovingly. They didn't seem fiendish, but they weren't thrilled either. "Really, I'll be off as soon as I've got it... you don't happen to remember where Count D put the USB stick, do you?"_

_Leon was kind of desperate, and he felt extremely stupid for talking to the animals; plus, he didn't like the looks the llamas were giving him. "Okay, then I'll... just look around till I find it? That okay?"_

_One of the zebras shook it's head with what sounded like an amused harrumph, and Leon took that as a yes. Trying not to get noticed – luckily he'd come to the zoo quite early and there weren't many people around yet – he sneaked through the paddock, looking in every place he could think of, cursing the fact that D had chosen such small items. _

_Of course he didn't find it anywhere where he expected it. He only found it because he finally noticed that the little zebra foal had been standing in a corner quite dreamily, chewing on something, and that there was a long black string hanging out of it's mouth. _

"_No! You little beast, gimme that! Fuck, D, you're really such a slouch! How can you leave it here when you know... don't you dare eat it, you dumbhead!" he exclaimed, rushing over and snatching the string. The zebra foal startled, pressed it's teeth together and pulled back, but Leon took a good hold of the string and they started tugging at it. Leon was lucky; the foal didn't yet have all teeth, and the USB stick slipped out of it's mouth through one of the holes. Triumphantly he held it up. "See? That's nothing to eat, anyways, it's plastic and you'll only get indigestion," he told the foal in a fatherly manner, which the foal didn't like very much, since it started calling for it's mother loudly. _

_Before Leon could even blink, he was surrounded by all the adult zebras and the three llamas. "Uh-oh," he said, backing up against the railing, which was, fortunately, right behind him. "I... I'm sorry? It's really not good for him, you know... and D surely told you it's for me, didn't he?" His voice held a pleading note. The animals closed in and he started to get really frantic. "Hey, guys, listen, that's not funny! I swear I didn't mean any harm, I'm just a stupid human, and, and I'm a friend of D's, so I'd never harm an animal anyway... can't we talk about it, please?"_

_He looked at the llamas pleadingly. One of them pursed it's lips – and spat at him. _

"_Bullseye, babe," Leon murmured in resignation as he wiped the slobber off his forehead. "Alright, I get it, I'll get out of... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THERE?!"_

_His panicked screams echoed through the whole zoo as the zebras suddenly started a stampede and dragged him with them, through the whole paddock, once, twice..._

_After the third round, they finally left him alone, gathering around him and... _

_Leon hated the fact that he usually started hearing the pets when they were laughing at him. "Look at his face! I can so understand why the Count wants to keep him, he's so amusing!" the mother of the foal neighed. _

"_Oh yes, and so handsome at the same time! Although he looks kind of scruffy..."_

"_Well, you would, too, after having been dragged through shit!"_

_They all started laughing again. Leon would've loved to read them the riot act, but right then he spotted the zoo employee, gazing at him with anger written all over his face, and he saw to it that he got out of that zoo as fast as possible. _

"Really, you could've treated it better," D sniffed, sitting down beside him with a little thump, shaking Leon out of his sleep once again. He startled and jerked aside, discomforted by D's sudden nearness and the delighted smile his spooked expression evoked.

"D, dammit, I told you it's not my fault!" he claimed angrily again, his fury roused by the memories. D pouted that sweet little pout of his.

"But Leon, you know how much I love my little collection. Just to think..." He heaved a deep sigh. "Oh well, I shall not mention it again. But you shall give me compensation."

Leon relaxed slightly. "Yeah, whatever, I'll buy you a new one," he said, hoping that he could perhaps now finally sleep in peace.

The smile on D's face made him freeze in his place. "No, dear Leon, I think I want something else this time... what about a nice visit to the zoo next week?"

"No! I'll never go into a zoo ever again!" The horrified look on Leon's face told whole stories about his feelings.

D's smile widened even more. "Well then, Detective, I shall suggest that you watch out better for my stuff then next time, if you want to avoid further visits to any zoo."

He stood up again and turned towards the kitchen, probably to prepare tea or something like that. Leon watched him, still frozen to the sofa, with wide eyes. Did D know...? He could not know, he could not... Leon wasn't going to survive that...

Halfway there, the kami turned to him once again, smiling evilly. "And, oh, have I ever told you that you're quite cute when you talk in sleep?"

-End-

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Author's Notes**: And this, my lords and ladies, is what I have against zebras... a foul lot, bunching up with llamas and the Count only to torture poor, innocent detectives... really, and then you wonder why I don't go to the zoo _anymore since_ that indicent? ^^

English grammar sucks if you're not English.

Anyway, like I announced on my profile, this is the last piece for this installment of Mixed Pickles. At the moment I'm undergoing some changes – well, not exactly I, but my writing. Depending on how it goes, I'll be back in a while. And, although I hate to say that, but encouragement in the form of reviews and criticism really helps. If you're not willing to take that time, you might have a minute to go to my profile and take part in my poll at least.

Non plus ultra would of course be pms. You are all very welcome to write to me about whatever you might want to tell me. I mean, really, we have the possibility to communicate here – I think we should make some use of that.

Well, I hope to see all of you again, sometime or the other ;-)

Enaty


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